Finding North
by XX00Meg00XX
Summary: "For years since her mother passed away she'd been trying to find her way, her north star. She needs to find her place, her home. She's had to let go of too many things in her life, and her heart can't take much more." An AU take on what could have happened after the fight scene in "Watershed". (5X24)
1. My Decision

**A/N: Season 7 has been so inspiring so far. My smut fairies went wild for a while, but I figured it was time to let them rest and give this idea some love. This entire fic was inspired by the picture used for the cover art. It should be about 8 or 9 chapters long, depending on where the characters take us towards the end. Back into the angst we go. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of its characters. The dialogue in this chapter was quoted directly from "Watershed". I did not write it nor do I claim any ownership over it.**

* * *

**My Decision**

* * *

_"It's not the sky I'm asking for,_

_I'm just having trouble finding north._

_I've gone as far as I can go,_

_Trying to find something that feels like home."_

_-Finding North by The Civil Wars  
_

* * *

There's no doubt about it, it was the worst fight they've had since becoming a couple. It's been two weeks since she's seen Castle. Two weeks without him in her life and yet it feels like years. She knew it was going to be bad as soon as it started, after all, lying to him was the worst thing she could have done. She never expected him to completely cut her off though. No calls, no texts. For the first time since she met Richard Castle, he was completely silent.

Even now, as she packs her things in-to boxes for her move to D.C., she can't stop replaying the fight over in her mind. It's haunted her every day since he walked out her door.

* * *

"_What's this?" Castle asked her as he picked up the little slip of paper that had fallen from her coat pocket. _

_She asked her question before she turned to look at him, continuing to prepare the meal she was cooking for them. "What's what?"_

"_Boarding pass…" he said, his words still calm, and yet her insides clenched with the guilt she was feeling. _

"_Castle…" She struggled to find the words that would keep this from escalating into a fight. _

_He studies the boarding pass. "You fly to D.C. yesterday?"_

_She takes a deep breath. "Yes, I did."_

_He looks up at her then, his eyes interrogating her before he even asks his question. "Why?"_

"_I was invited down for an interview." There's no point in lying to him now, he deserves the truth from her._

"_What kind of interview?" _

_She knew that question was coming next. "For a position with the Federal Task Force."_

_She could see the anger building and the pain that flashes in his eyes. "I'm sorry, you interviewed for another job, in another city and you didn't tell me?"_

_She doesn't mean to be defensive but it just kind of spills out. "I didn't tell you because it was just an interview and I knew that you would be upset."_

_He's starting to close himself off, to retreat from her lies, and she can see it before he even steps away from her. "Yeah, yeah you're damn right I'm upset."_

_And in spite of the fact that she doesn't want to push this fight, she continues to defend herself. "Castle, I just wanted to see what was out there. What's wrong with that?"_

"_What's wrong with it is you hid it from me. In fact, you lied about it. I wouldn't do that to you."_

_And he's right, he wouldn't, but it's not his life that's in question right now. "Castle, this isn't about you. This is about me, this is about my life."_

_He blinks again, trying to mask the dagger that she's driving into his heart. "So, you're seriously considering this?"_

_Is he seriously asking her that? "Yes. This is a wonderful opportunity. It's a chance to do more."_

"_Without me." _

_Why does it have to be one choice or the other? "Castle, please don't do this. Please don't make this about us." _

"_I'm sorry; tell me how this isn't about us. You get this job, you move to D.C., I'll never see you. That's pretty much the end of our relationship isn't it?"_

_His point is valid but it doesn't mean it's correct. "You don't know that. And I probably won't even get the job."_

_It's clear by now that he's done with this, done fighting for them when she seems to have already made her choice. "That's not the point. The point is, you knew what this could mean and it didn't occur to you to include me, or worse, it did occur to you and you chose not to. Now what does that say about us? Not much if you ask me."_

_He brushes past her and grabs his coat. This isn't the way she wanted this to go. "Castle…"_

"_I can't be here right now."_

* * *

Those were the last words he said to her as he walked out her door that day. Two weeks ago. It's been miserable and she hates it. She hates that she's so closed off. He tried to work his way inside her walls for years and when they finally got together he thought he'd managed to do so. Her choices could argue that point. She misses him so much it hurts deep down inside.

She should have never thought that by choosing her career it would mean that she couldn't chose him as well. He deserves more credit than that and she didn't even give him a chance to prove how devoted to their relationship he really was.

There's nothing she wants more than to for him to come back for her, to show up at her door and demand that they not give up what they have. He hasn't. She's never been good with words and she doesn't think showing up at his door again will solve anything.

She took the job and she's moving to D.C. and there's not really much else to say about that. To him it seems as if she picked the job over him and truthfully, she did. If only they would have sat down and had a serious conversation about where they were going, it might have changed things.

Now she's alone in her apartment, packing her life away. She starts emptying a drawer from her desk into a box when she spots a pad of paper. She can't move to D.C. without talking to him, without letting him know how she really feels. She loves him and she doesn't want to walk away from him.

For years since her mother passed away she'd been trying to find her way, her north star. She needs to find her place, her home. She's had to let go of too many things in her life, and her heart can't take much more. He needs to know.

She picks up the pad of paper, finds a pen, and stretches out on her bed. If she can't give him her words in person, she'll give them to him on paper.

* * *

_An extreme heartfelt thank you to Bri, for the cover art, beta, and most importantly your friendship. Xoxo_

_Thanks for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts. Xo_


	2. My Hero

**A/N: Hold on tight lovely readers, we're diving head first into the angst. This will remain in Kate's POV for a few more chapters, then I'll be switching to Castle's so we can see both sides. Thank you so much to all who have favorited, followed and reviewed! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of its characters. I claim no ownership over the episode which fueled the idea for this story.**

* * *

**My Hero**

* * *

"_There is everything you know, _

_And there is everything that happens._

_When the two do not line up,_

_You make a choice."_

_-Mitch Albom_

* * *

The pen she's holding hovers over the paper in front of her. It's a lot more difficult to put her words on paper than she thought. She intended for this to be easier than going to talk to him in person, but how exactly do you put your heart into words for someone who spends his days writing?

Maybe she doesn't have to do it all at once. Maybe she can write him one letter for each day that she has left in the city. If there's one thing she's learned about it him, it's that he loves to read almost as much as he loves to write. Words from her might not be at the top of his list right now, but what does she have to lose? He's already shutting her out, the worst he can do is not read the letters.

She stares at the paper, wishing that the pen would just start moving on its own, words flowing out of it without so much effort from her. But as she starts thinking about her life, about how far she's come since she was nineteen, something releases in her and the pen starts moving. The words take shape, covering the once white paper in an elegant black script that pours from the depths of her heart.

* * *

_Castle,_

_I'm not sure how to start this. I'm not even sure you'll want to read it—or if you actually will. If it ends up in my mailbox with a 'return to sender' stamp I'll understand. The way things happened between us – the fight we had – it wasn't how I meant for things to go. _

_If you're still reading this, then hopefully you'll continue until the end. Words are your expertise, they've never been mine. In this case, writing them down seemed to be my best bet for not only opening up to you, but for getting you to listen as well. _

_I'm a closed-off, mess of a person, but you already know that. I've worked hard to become better, to stop shutting out the important people in my life, but sometimes it's still hard. There's really no excuse for choosing to shut you out on something like this after everything we've been through, but I owe you some type of explanation._

_I've had to let go of too much in my life, so many people that I wasn't ready to give up. And because of that, everything that I've ever let go of seems to have claw marks on it. In the process of learning to let go, I could never get my hands to cooperate. I've had to pry them loose, and every time I could almost see the physical marks, the proof of how hard I held on to the things I love, even when I had no choice but to let go. The first example I can think of is, well—you know the first person I was ever forced to let go of. My mom._

_My mom was everything to me, Castle. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. It was the ultimate dream to me, to follow in her footsteps. She was so strong and so confident; it seeped out of her in every aspect of her life. Not only was she the perfect role model as a woman, she was the perfect mother as well. Her life was crazy, filled with constant hectic schedules, and yet, she always had time for me. _

_I'm sure there were many times that I disappointed her, but she was still so proud of me. She kept my picture on her desk at work and whenever anyone asked about me she would tell them that I was her mini-me, a lawyer in progress, and I fully intended to be just that._

_When she was murdered, my entire life titled on its axis. Everything that I ever wanted became nothing. It wasn't just a freak accident, a random occurrence that no one could have stopped; they took her from me. She was stabbed to death, alone in an alley, for something that she never should have been involved in. I know you already know this, probably better than anyone else ever has outside of my immediate family. There's a reason for that, you know, and it's not just because you decided to be nosy in the beginning. _

_There was never a choice with my mom. Only one option was given to me, to let go. For weeks I was a mess, trying to get myself together, trying to remember how to function. I kept asking myself, how do you let go of someone who's been your hero for your entire life? How do you let go of your mother? The truth is I had no idea how to do it. Letting go isn't something that has ever been easy for me. It wasn't easy then and it's not easy now._

_But in the end, I had to accept it. I had to put one foot in front of the other and learn to live my life without her. It took weeks before I could walk through our front door and not expect to see her there. It took months before I could walk past the building where she worked and not want to run up to her office and tell her about my day. It took years before I could go by the cemetery and talk to her in a way that said I had accepted that she was gone. _

_In life she was my hero, and in death she's even more of one to me. It's one of the only silver linings I could find, and it's something that I hold on to. _

_I had to let go of my mother, I didn't get a choice. But I have a choice now and I don't want to let go of you. Please don't make me let go. _

_-Always, Kate._

* * *

She folds the letter and slides it into the envelope, sealing it and placing a stamp in the corner. She's about to finish packing the drawer she started on earlier when the sound of her stomach growling fills the room. Now seems like a good time to stop and go get lunch anyway.

She slips on her sneakers and a gray NYPD hoodie before grabbing her keys and phone. She's craving a burger and fries, although eating at Remy's isn't something she feels like doing right now. It reminds her too much of Castle. She calls in her order so that it'll be ready when she gets there. She'll just take it back to her apartment and eat; she needs to work on packing more anyway. Six more days seems like a lot of time, but it'll be gone before she knows it.

She stops by the mail boxes in the lobby of her apartment building, staring at the letter that's in her hand. If she doesn't mail it, she may never get the chance to tell him the things she wrote. If he never gets a chance to read her words, he may never hear them at all.

She drops the letter in the outgoing mail slot and turns to walk out of her building. Her words will be in his hands tomorrow morning. Whether or not he'll read them is completely up to him.

* * *

_Thank you to Bri, for the beta and for having ridiculously long conversations about this story with me. Xoxo_

_Would love to hear your thoughts! Xo_


	3. My Anchor

**A/N: Thank you so much to all who have clicked follow, favorite and review. Your support is extremely encouraging and warms my heart. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of its characters, nor do I claim ownership over any of it.**

* * *

**My Anchor**

"_I realize there's something incredibly honest, _

_About trees in the winter;_

_How they're experts at letting thing go."_

_-Jeffrey McDaniel_

* * *

The second hand ticks past the twelve again, signaling that another hour has passed. It feels like days. She's been staring at the clock since she forced herself to get in the bed. That was four hours ago and sleep seems to be the last thing her body wants to do. It's not the same, sleeping without him next to her. She misses the warmth of Castle's body next to her, against her. The bed feels cold and lonely without him, but more than that, it just feels empty.

She sighs loudly as she rolls over, trying to ignore the sound of the ticking clock. The more she tries to shut the sound out of her mind the louder it seems to get, and suddenly, she can't stand it anymore. She throws the covers back and gets out of the bed, grabbing her robe as she swiftly exits the bedroom. She doesn't hesitate, heading straight for the cabinet in her kitchen that contains what she wants. She packed up most of her kitchen earlier in the day, but she left the last cabinet for tomorrow.

Wrenching the door open, she reaches for the bottle of scotch. It's unopened and it's been there since the last time Lanie came over for a girl's night. She breaks the seal as she heads for the couch, foregoing a glass and dropping onto the cushions in a completely un-graceful manner. The first swallow burns in all the ways she wants it to and the second is exactly what she needs.

She hasn't had scotch since one night right after she returned to work, when she was struggling with PTSD, and the reminder of what happened flashes through her mind. The broken glass and the blood running down her arm are vivid images, the burn of the alcohol not nearly enough to overcome them. She shakes her head, trying to clear the memories, bringing the bottle to her mouth for another drink. As the rich, amber liquid slides down her throat, another image surfaces, one that's too hard to ignore. She can't do this. She won't drink herself to misery while trying to ignore the pain she's feeling. She spots the pad of paper on her coffee table, knowing instantly what words are going to pour out of her tonight.

She puts the lid on the scotch, and shoves it aside, then she curls up on the floor in front of the coffee table. In a few hours Castle will be reading the words of her heart, her first letter, the story of someone she had to let go of. But Johanna Beckett isn't the only person Kate's had no choice but to let go of. And although this person is still very much alive, she lost a big part of who he was to her fifteen years ago.

* * *

_Castle,_

_ I'm writing this second letter to you even though I don't know if you'll read the first one I sent. If I were to weigh the chances of you actually reading it, my guess would be that I'll find it back in my mail box in the morning. I'm hoping that the part of you that always wants the story will overlook the fact that I've screwed everything up. More importantly, I'm hoping that you're willing to read my words even if our relationship is beyond repair. _

_ If I'm going to continue being completely honest with you, I need you to know that these weeks without you have been some of the worst of my life. I miss the way you filled every part of my day, in some way or another. Your scent still lingers on the pillow on my bed and I can't bring myself to change the sheets. I don't want that scent to become a memory; I want it to be a reality that I get to experience for the rest of my life. _

_ I tried to sleep tonight, but I ended up on the couch drinking a bottle of scotch that Lanie left here one night. The seal on it wasn't even broken. I managed to get all of three swallows in my system—yeah I know what you're thinking, but I didn't see any use for a glass. I'm not that person; I won't be that person. I'm not going to sit here and drink my sorrows away because that's a miserable life. It's a life that I've witnessed before and I refuse to let myself ever go down that road. If losing you is the consequence for the choices I've made, then I'm going to live with them soberly._

_ Yesterday, I wrote to you about losing my mom, but she's not the only person I've had to let go of. The burn of the alcohol on my tongue tonight reminded me of the second—my dad. I know you're probably wondering what I mean by that because yes, my dad is still alive, but he's not the same person that he used to be. I told you once that I wear his watch because it's a reminder of the life that I saved. It's another choice that I was forced to make. It was either save him from the bottle or lose him to it. _

_ For months after my mom's murder I watched him drink his sorrows away, but it was more than that. The drinking didn't just drown out the pain; it flooded his entire being, drowning the man that he was. As ridiculous as it might sound, it was like losing both of my parents at the same time. Instead of having my dad to lean on, I had to let him lean on me. _

_ My point is, I lost my dad during those months, or rather, I lost the person he was to me before my mom was killed. I got him the help he needed and he's still alive, but Castle, it'll never be the same. And I'm not saying it should be exactly the way it was before, because no one can ever go back to the way they were before losing someone that important in their life, but at some point during those months, I had to pry my grip open and let go of my dad. I had to let go of him because he wasn't a dad anymore, he was just a shell of a man who had lost his wife. _

_ Eventually we got close again, but for several months I couldn't even stand to look at him. All I could see was the man he'd turned into, while my heart longed for the man he once was. I think a big part of me will always wonder why I wasn't enough for him to hold on to after she died. I think that's one of the reasons it's been so hard for me to let people get close to me—it's easier to guard my heart from the pain of not being enough. It's different with you though, Castle—you've always made me feel like I'm enough._

_ Having to let go of my dad and then re-learn to love the man that he is now, it changed me. Sometimes I still catch myself longing for that man that he used to be. In fact, there's a picture of him in a box here. It's crumpled and worn at the edges, and those marks aren't just from aging, they're from a time when I would hold on to that picture as if it would bring him back. Another shard of proof of how hard I hold on to the things I love. During that time, he became my anchor, the one thing that kept me from spiraling out of control. So I guess in a way something good came from it, losing my dad, and finding him again—it's the anchor that's held me down for so long. _

_ You're the only person who's ever made me feel like I actually found someone that I could hold on to forever. As much as I know that I made the wrong choice in not telling you about the interview, I can't help but wonder if my head was trying to tell my heart something. My heart wants you, Castle, it always has, but my head carries that doubt around. My doubts about our future were wrong. I should have just talked to you about it, because that's something that—even when I was afraid to—I've always been able to do. _

_ If you've read this all the way through, then it must mean you read my first letter as well. I've meant every word I've written to you. And I'm going to continue sending you my words, until my heart— every part that I've never given you—is on paper and in your hands. It's yours, it's always been yours and no one else will ever have all of it, but you._

_I won't drink you out of my mind. I won't drown in my mistakes, because the truth is, Castle, I couldn't even if I tried. _

_-Always, Kate._

* * *

She swipes at the tears as they slide down her cheek, missing one and watching as it splashes onto the letter. The salty water smudges the tip of the 'K' in her name and she curses, trying to pat it dry. She stares at the smudge for a moment. It brings the realness of her emotions to life and she hopes that he can see it as well as feel it when he reads the letter. She folds it and seals it into an envelope before any more can fall.

She pulls herself up from the floor, leaving her letter on the table as she searches for her phone. She finds it on the nightstand by her bed and groans when the time reads six am. She might as well go down and drop the letter in the mail now; obviously sleep isn't an option her body wants, even though it's what she needs.

She comes back in her door and searches for something to eat, pulling out yet another Styrofoam container and scraping some of its contents onto a plate before popping it into the microwave. When the beep sounds to let her know the food is heated, she grabs her plate and pads over to the couch. As she's sinking down onto the cushion she spots the bottle of scotch. She sets her plate down, grabs the bottle and returns to the kitchen. Without a second thought, she unscrews the lid and pours the contents of the bottle down the drain.

It's strangely symbolic, the way the amber liquid swirls around the sink before disappearing down the drain, never to be recovered. It reminds her of her heart, words carefully scribbled onto the letters she's written for him. If he no longer wants the words of her heart, she'll let them fade away, let time slowly erase them until no one can ever recover them. No one—but him.

* * *

_Bri, thank yo__u for your support, friendship and beta. Without you this would still be unfinished on my computer. Xoxo_

_Would love to hear your thoughts. _


	4. My Mentor

**A/N: Still completely overwhelmed by the amazing response to this story! So glad that the majority of you are enjoying it! If you're reviewing as a guest with concerns for why I'm writing things a certain way, you'll never know the answer if you don't give me an option to reply. Regardless, I'm going to continue writing the story I want to write. If the words cooperate the next chapter will be switching to Castle's POV for the remainder of the letters.  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of its characters. Kudos to the real Castle writers, I love the story they continue to write for us.**

* * *

**My Mentor**

"_The most difficult aspect of moving on_

_Is accepting that the other person already did."_

_-Faraaz Kazi_

* * *

The third day of packing turns out to be the hardest. She thought that if she kept herself busy she wouldn't dwell on wondering if Castle had read her first two letters. She was wrong. It turns out that each part of her apartment that she tries to pack reminds her of him. She learned in the beginning that he likes to touch things, his curiousness being one of the things she's grown to love about him. He's touched almost everything she picks up. She knows because she remembers the conversations they had about the different knickknacks and decorations that adorn her apartment.

It's not just the items she's packing that remind her of him. Their sex life has been adventurous, to say the least, and she remembers—in detail—each area of her apartment that they've christened with their love. It's safe to say that they've utilized each and every surface and structure. In other words, trying to keep her mind off of Castle is a battle she's losing.

She starts packing her closet sometime around noon, carefully stacking her numerous pairs of shoes into boxes, only leaving out the few pairs she needs for the rest of the week. There's a part of it that she's carefully avoiding, a small corner that he's claimed, and even when she's on the other side of the closet, his scent fills her nose, wrapping her senses with him so much that her heart aches more than ever.

She can't avoid packing the closet forever though, there aren't that many days left in the week. Her lease isn't up for several more months, so she doesn't have to do anything with his things right now. She's hoping she won't have to do anything with them at all.

She's half-way through sorting her hanging clothes when she spots a small black box on the top shelf of her walk-in closet. She reaches for the box, carefully pulling it down and walking out of the closet to sit on the bed.

She remembers most of the contents in the box, little things that mean something to her that she's collected over the years. However, as she pulls a few things out, one item in particular catches her eye. With careful fingers she lifts the folded paper out of the box, carefully unfolding it and reading over words that she's already memorized, words that are forever etched into her mind.

It's remembering the last few words of the letter she's holding, scanning over them for the millionth time, that has her reaching for the now familiar pad of paper and pen that she left on her nightstand. Castle already has two letters from her, and she's still not sure if he'll read them, but the pen in her hand is already moving over the paper, and the third letter begins to take form.

* * *

_Castle,_

_I've sent you two letters so far. And they aren't just normal letters because you know by now that words are not something I give easily. The words I'm writing to you are straight from my heart, words that I've never given you, but that you deserve to hear. I haven't heard from you since our fight. No texts, no calls, no contact at all. At the moment, I don't know if that's good or bad. _

_Since I've already started this—committed to sending you my words, I intend to keep going until they stop pouring out of me. If you've read the two that I've already sent you, you now know more about me than—well, more than anyone. The truth is, everything I've written to you, everything you've hopefully read, it's more than just words. These are thoughts that I've never voiced aloud, never let wash through me, never shared—or wanted to share—with anyone. Until now. _

_So many times over these past few weeks, I've picked up my phone to call you. I've let my finger hover over your name for what seemed like hours before I put my phone down and walked away. This is not something I would admit to just anyone, but I'm desperate to hear your voice. I miss you, Castle. _

_By now, assuming that you've read the other letters, you should know the general theme of them. As much as these are for you, they're for me too. I never realized how therapeutic writing could be, although, I'm not sure if it's the actual writing or the fact that I'm writing to you. Maybe it's both. _

_Today, as I was looking through a box of old things, I came across a letter that was given to me during a case. It was a case we worked together. In fact, it's one that I'm sure you'll remember quite well. The letter is from Royce. CSU found it on him at the crime scene and handed it over to me before we left for L.A. I didn't read it all the way through until we were on the plane on our way home. _

_Mike Royce was many things to me. He was my training officer and first real partner. But more importantly than either of those, he was my mentor. I've mentioned before that he was the first person who understood the obsession that drove me. When I first got out of the academy I spent as much of my day as I could get away with poring over my mother's case file. Royce never said a word to me. He would just give me this look that said 'I understand what you're doing, kid and I'm not going to stop you.'_

_His demeanor towards me and his ability to relate to my struggle are two of the main reasons that I fell in love with him. I'd never been in love before, not like the type of love I felt for Royce. But he didn't love me, at least not in the way I wanted him to, and that was the first time that I had to let go of him. _

_Maybe it's ironic that he rejected my love. A little bit of a lesson that I was never meant to grasp until I did a similar thing to you. The only defense I have against that is that I do love you, Castle. Even back when you thought it was a lost cause, you'd already consumed so much of my heart. I just didn't know how to act on it back then. I would have done nothing but push you away, you know that already because even without any type of romantic relationship between us, pushing you away is exactly what I did. _

_The second time I let go of Royce was when he left the force. He'd been with me in those first years, supporting and guiding me, and I wasn't ready to give that up. The first couple of weeks without him I wandered around the precinct like a lost puppy. Letting go the second time was even harder than the first. _

_When I had to arrest him, those feelings stirred back to life. I'm sure I never fooled you—I never could anyway—when I claimed that my love for him was just a bluff, a mechanism to get him to listen. All that really matters now is that it worked. That case took a toll on me because it made me question everything I'd ever really thought about him. After we closed it, I struggled to let go of him again. But this time I wasn't letting go of my love for him, I was letting go of who I thought he was. _

_His murder was the hardest of them all. You know more about it than anyone because even when I tried to do things on my own, you showed up. I don't think I've ever told you how truly thankful I am that you were with me through all of it. Seeing Royce's lifeless body was almost as hard as seeing my mom's. I managed to put on a pretty good front, but that case rocked me to the very core. _

_The only way I knew I was going to get closure was to find the man who murdered him. And while that was a big part of it, catching Ganz wasn't the thing that gave me the closure I needed. This brings me to the letter I mentioned in the beginning. _

_The final time that I let go of Royce was after reading the words he wrote to me. He only spent a minimal amount of time with you and I and still, he knew. He saw what was there all along—our connection. Even when we were still denying it, Royce saw it. In the letter he told me that I shouldn't wait, that risking our hearts is why we're alive. He was right, Castle. I realize that now more than ever. _

_When I finished reading his letter on the plane, I carefully folded it and when I got home I placed it in this box. I've re-read it many times since then, so much so that it's worn and tearing in some places. I think I could actually recite it without ever looking at it. Royce was a huge part of my life, an even bigger part of who I am as a cop. Letting go of him meant letting go of a part of myself. I had to accept the fact that I no longer needed his mentoring, that I was strong enough to carry on without him. _

_I did love Royce, and there was a time when I thought he was exactly what I wanted. But there's a difference between loving and actually being in love with someone. There is only one person that I have ever been in love with—that I am in love with. It's you, Castle—it's always been you, and there will never be anyone but you._

_Letting go of three very important people in my life was hard. Each one took a toll on me that I had trouble overcoming. But each struggle has shaped me, molded me into who I am. It's what continues to propel me forward even when the pain tries to hold me back._

_I have the letter here, in this box. It's fragile and worn, much like the hold that I had on Royce, but it's here. I want to share it with you, just like every other part of my life._

_Castle, I don't want to continue living without taking the advice that Royce gave me. If risking my heart is why I'm alive, then I want to risk it—on you. _

_-Always, Kate._

* * *

She places Royce's letter back in the black box and closes it before placing it into a packing box that's beside her bed. She folds her letter to Castle with the same carefulness and slides it into the envelope.

She drops it in the mail that evening on her way back from having dinner with her dad. As she places her key in her mailbox she holds her breath until the little door swings open and her mail is in her hand. She doesn't stop to look through it until she's back in her apartment.

Leaning against the door after she closes it, Kate sifts through the mail, her normally steady hands shaking slightly. As she scans over the last piece in her hand she lets out a relieved sigh.

They aren't there. He didn't send them back to her.

By tomorrow afternoon he will have three letters from her, three different pieces of her heart that she's willingly sharing with him, parts of her that no one else has ever or will ever know. The letters don't change the mistake that she made. They don't fix the damage that she's done to their relationship. But if writing the words of her heart to him helps to heal her, if it puts her broken pieces slowly back together, maybe they have a chance. If anyone can take her brokenness and make it whole again, overlooking the small cracks and imperfections that remain, it's Castle.

She wants him to be her future, but the only way that can happen, is if they overcome her past.

* * *

_Thank you to Bri for the beta and continuous pep talks when I hit a wall with writing. Xoxo_

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	5. My Savior

**A/N: Thank you again to everyone who continues to support this story. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. As promised, this chapter switches to Castle's POV. Hold on tight. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle nor do I claim ownership over anything associated with the show.**

* * *

**My Savior**

"_Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake,_

_And help us see we are worth,_

_So much more than we're settling for."_

_-Mandy Hale_

* * *

The soft morning light filters in through the window, casting shadows around the darkness of the bedroom. Castle grunts when the light hits his face, pulling the sheet up and over his head in an attempt to block it out. He has no idea what time it is and frankly he doesn't care. He closes his eyes, intent on going back to sleep for possibly the rest of the day, but then his stomach grumbles loudly, reminding him that it's been well over a day since he's had anything to eat. He huffs, grabbing both the sheet and comforter in one hand and throwing them back as he stumbles out of the bed.

He trudges to the bathroom, relieving himself and then throwing on his blue robe. He pauses in front of the mirror, rubbing his hand over the stubble that's forming on his unshaven jaw. He looks like hell, feels like it too. He roughly shuts off the light and heads to find something to eat.

As he passes through his office, he can't help but stare at his desk. Kate's letters—yes letters, as in more than one, because not only is she writing to him, she's sent him three letters. They lie unopened in the middle of his desk. The edges of the first one are slightly worn where he's held it in his hands, started to open it before changing his mind. In fact, the seal is completely broken and he'd only need to slide the letter out to read it. He shakes his head and continues on his journey to the kitchen. Now isn't the right time to read them, and he's not sure when that's going to change.

If he's being honest, nothing sounds appealing, and if he didn't need to eat to live he'd skip it all together. He searches through the fridge first but there aren't any left-overs to heat up because there have been no meals to put away. He's been alone in the loft since right after their fight, claiming he needed some time to think over things. He's grateful that his family understands.

He's had fights with women before, fights with his ex-wives, but none of those fights compare to this one because none of those women ever meant as much to him as Kate. She's the only person who's ever held the power to completely wreck him. He's consumed with her, so much of her wrapped and weaved into who he is, who he wants to be, for her. And as much as he's wanted to go to her over these few weeks, to fix things and keep her in his life, this isn't his mess to fix because if he's not enough for her now, he probably never will be. He's not the one who made a decision that would make or break them without even discussing it first.

He's already forgiven her once for shutting him out, and he let her back into his life—his heart, that night she showed up soaking wet at his door. She put in the work to fix things, opened herself up to him in ways she never had before. It's not enough though, not this time. She's backtracking, shutting herself away and he doesn't know why. There's still too much of her that he doesn't know, too much that she's unwilling to share with him. If she's still hiding parts of herself from him, how can he trust her? How can he be in a fully committed relationship with her? How can they even try to move towards a future together if she won't give all of herself to him? That's why they're in the predicament they are now, because they don't discuss things. He's tired of pushing. There comes a time when pushing is both too much and not enough. She needs to be willing to let him know all of her without being pushed to do so.

He pilfers through a few cabinets before silently scolding himself for not being better stocked on quick food choices. He grabs his phone off the counter where it's been sitting since the night he came home from the fight and threw it there. He doesn't remember plugging it in to the charger but as he detaches the white cord from the end he realizes most of that day is a blur. He calls in his usual at the Chinese restaurant and then calls downstairs to ask if they can bring his mail up. He's not usually this demanding but the thought of leaving his loft for any reason is completely unappealing right now.

The attendant from the lobby brings his mail up only minutes before his food arrives. He thanks both men for the deliveries and carries his food along with his mail back to his bedroom, his sanctuary. As he climbs onto the mattress, the lingering scent of her floods his senses and he has to close his eyes. He's wanted to change the sheets so many times, to let the anger of what she did burn through him, but he hasn't been able to. As much as he wants to let the anger rule him, he can't strip her out of his mind or his life, even if he wanted to.

He sets the food beside him on the mattress and quickly looks through the mail; he recognizes the corner of one particular envelope before he ever touches it. He reaches for it, carefully lifting the piece of mail until her elegant script stares back at him. This makes four. She's written him four letters and he can't help but wonder how many more will come. She's never written to him before, always claiming that words are his expertise, but maybe this will be the thing that fixes them. Maybe these letters are the words that have been missing from their relationship. There's only one way to find out.

He ignores the protest of his stomach as he leaves the food behind on his bed and walks quickly into his office. He grabs her other letters as he sits down at his desk, carefully laying them out beside each other in front of him in the order that they'd arrived. His heart aches as he slides the first folded piece of paper out of its envelope and opens it, but it's nothing compared to the depths of her heart that he's about to witness.

* * *

The first letter makes him angry because as much as he hates that she had to lose her mother in such a cruel way, he already knows that story and it's kind of a bullshit move to use it against him right now. But there's a tone to her words that speaks to his heart and, while he's heard the story of losing her mother many times before, it's almost as if he's hearing it for the first time now. He's seen the pain from the outside, witnessed what it's done to her, but now that he's reading her words he sees a whole new side of it. He's feeling what she feels on the inside and his heart aches for her.

Her second letter tears him up more than the first. He knows that her dad struggled with alcohol because she's told him a little about it. She's hinted at the strain it put on their relationship but she's never told him anything close to what she's written to him. He never realized that during the time of her father's drinking she lost not one but both parents. He wishes that he'd known her back then so that he could have been there for her when no one else was.

Probably the hardest part to read, the part that has him wanting to go to wrap her in his arms, is her admission that she started to turn to alcohol as well. He speeds through the letter, wanting more than anything for her to tell him that she's okay. When she promises him that she won't use alcohol as a crutch for her pain he sighs in relief. He's still mad and the letters don't change what she did, but he'd never want her to turn to something like that. He doesn't want her to hurt even if he can't be with her anymore.

Her third letter takes him by surprise, and his heart threatens to burst out of his chest. It's no secret to him that she loved Royce, but to hear her explain everything he was to her has Castle struggling to read the rest. But in the midst of her admission and her pain of letting go of her mentor, she somehow finds a way to reassure him that he's the only man she wants in her future. And he starts to wonder if she knows how beautiful her writing really is. He knows that these are parts of her that she's never shared with anyone, not just because she admits that to him, but because he can sense it in the way she writes. This is her heart—every part of it, carefully spelled out onto paper, and it's all for him.

Finally, he picks up the letter that just arrived. He holds the paper in his hands, wondering what she might have been thinking as she folded it and placed it into the envelope. Is she expecting him to write back to her? Does she want him to call her? He's not sure because she hasn't asked for either of those things, but asking for what she wants isn't something that seems to be easy for Kate to do when it comes to him. She's making an effort, so it has to mean that she's still in it, but it doesn't solve anything for them. He still wants her more than anything else, but does she want the same? Are her words enough to prove that?

* * *

_Castle,_

_ It doesn't happen very often anymore. In fact, it's been happening less and less since that stormy night when I showed up at your door almost a year ago. I used to think it was because I was finally putting some distance between myself and that day in the cemetery. I realize now that there's much more to it than that. You brought me back from the brink of blackness, Castle. You pulled me out of that darkness. _

_ Each time the memory of that day would pull me under you were there to pull me back. The warmth of your body, the strength of your arms and the endless depths of your love, they all molded together, forming a protective barrier around me. And every time it threatened to return, I beat it—because of you._

_ Tonight was different, when the memories of that day reached for me, the darkness clawing at me from every angle, there was no one to pull me back. The force of the bullet as it entered my chest and the pain of the scar, it all seared to life again, bringing me back to that day. I woke in a panic, clutching at my chest and gasping for air as my scar burned beneath my fingers. _

_ For the first time in a year, there were no strong arms to hold me, no warm body to curl against. You weren't there to whisper love into my ear until the sound of your voice was all I could focus on. Tonight I had to fight on my own and the emptiness that followed was something that I don't want to ever experience again. I'm sorry, Castle. I'm sorry that I chose to do things on my own; shutting you out was never the right answer. _

_ I thought that they would eventually go away, but the sleep I wanted never came. Instead, other nightmares came and I was plunged back into that night in the hangar. The night that you dragged me away from a fate that was licking at my heels. I struggled to gain control of myself the next time I woke up, which brings to me now. Writing to you is the only thing that's keeping me from breaking down. _

_ The night that Captain Montgomery gave his life for me, I experienced the meaning of a true sacrifice. I was struggling at the time, trying to fathom how someone that I respected so much could have been involved in my mother's murder. I didn't really have time to get any answers from him, to understand why so many people that I've trusted were involved in the worst event of my life. _

_ He chose to make a stand, to take responsibility for his involvement and take the bullet that was meant for me. They wanted me and Montgomery took them all out at the same time that he gave them his life in place of mine. _

_ It's never something that I would have asked for. I don't care how much of it was his fault, I still to this day consider him a good man. He was my friend, my confidant, and he remained that until he took his last breath._

_ When you carried me out of that hangar, I hated you for it. I was so far down the rabbit hole, so committed to putting an end to it all, and I didn't want anyone to interfere with it. I wanted answers and I was prepared to run at them head on. I didn't want anyone to give their life for me; I wanted to face them myself. _

_ While you held me against that car I knew that I was letting go of yet another person in my life. I knew that when I walked back into that hangar my life was going to be changed. I was losing myself. In spite of my protests and pleas you held me, and somehow the warm weight of your body anchored me. _

_ I can still hear the piercing sounds of the gun shots to this day. The sound finalized what I already knew had transpired. I remember pushing away from you, desperate to get to Montgomery, to hold on to him. When I saw his body riddled with gunshot wounds I felt them as keenly as if it was my own body lying there. I never realized how accurate that pain was until I experienced the real thing. _

_ Castle, how many times can I be forced to let go of someone before I just can't handle it anymore? There has to be a limit, a point when the universe says 'okay, she's had enough.' There's only so much that one person can take. The only silver lining I can find right now is that I've learned an important lesson. I don't ever want to let go of you, neither by choice nor by force. That would be the final straw—my breaking point. _

_ Montgomery saved my life. And as my fourth letter comes to an end, you have to know that there's another person who's saved my life more times than I can count. You. I will forever be thankful that even when I wanted nothing to do with you, Montgomery forced me to keep you around. He knew what you would be to me. _

_ Thank you for never giving up on me, for pursuing me and sticking around even when I pushed you away. I'm not an easy person to get to know, but you do know me, Castle. You know me better than anyone else and I hope that by reading these letters you feel like you know all of me. I'm sorry that it took me so long to tell you these things. I guess a part of me is always scared that at some point my darkness and baggage will be too much. _

_ I'm scared. Scared that in spite of everything we've overcome, this will be the thing that breaks us. I said before that there's only so much a person can take, but I never stopped to think about how much you can take. Have I pushed you too far? _

_ -Always, Kate._

* * *

He stares at her words for who knows how long, mulling them over. Has she pushed him too far? Can he forgive her and push past this? Are they going to be able to make things work or are they just kidding themselves? Maybe enough is enough. He misses her, but is missing someone enough to forgive them for shutting you out?

He needs time to process, to think over the things that she's shared with him. It feels sincere and he knows deep down that she's not using her pain as an excuse. If she's willing to let him see parts of her that no one else ever has, then he's finally demolished that wall she's been holding on to.

As he folds the letter and places it back in its envelope, he pushes away from the desk and he can't help but think that this time it might be too late.

* * *

_Thank you to Bri, for the beta, brainstorming and encouragement. Xoxo._

_Would love to hear your thoughts. xo_


	6. Who am I

**A/N: Patience is a virtue. :) Thank you for your continued support. Your reviews, favorites and follows mean the world to me. I originally intended for this to only be about 8 chapters, but after sitting down and plotting things out, it should end up being about 14 when I wrap it up. I hope you'll stick with me until then!**

**Disclaimer: I still own no part of Castle.**

* * *

**Who Am I**

"_Sometimes the hardest part isn't learning to let go,_

_But rather learning to start over."_

_-Nicole Sobon_

* * *

Castle has just walked back into the loft with Kate's fifth letter in hand when his phone starts to ring. He hurries to where it rests on the counter, groaning when he sees The Old Haunt's number on the screen. He tried every trick in the book to get out of his meeting with Black Pawn this morning, but to no avail. He's really in no mood to deal with anything or anyone else. He grabs the phone, roughly swiping the 'answer call' button and bringing it to his ear.

"Castle."

"Mr. Castle, I'm so sorry to bother you, but I've come down with the flu and there's just no way that I can work tonight." The scruffy voice of his bar tender matches the reason he's just given for not being able to work.

Damn it.

"It's okay, Brian, I understand. Take it easy and focus on getting better."

"Thank you, Mr. Castle."

The Old Haunt doesn't open for a several more hours, but it's too short notice to call in anyone else. He's going to have to fill in for Brian himself and try to find someone else to work his shifts for the rest of the week. He leaves Kate's letter on the counter and searches for something to eat. There's no point in trying to read it now; if it's anything like the last four that she's sent him, he'll need time to process after he reads it.

* * *

He's ready to walk out to door when he sees her letter still lying on the counter. He tucks it into the inside pocket of his coat, hoping he'll be able to find time to read it soon.

That quickly turns out to be wishful thinking.

He should be happy that The Old Haunt is packed, after all, he owns the place and busy means that it's doing well. He'd be thrilled if not for the letter that's currently burning a hole in his pocket. Even though it's probably a bad idea, he's tried to sneak and read it several times, but people continue to flood into the pub and he's forced to tuck it away and forget about it.

* * *

It's late when the final couple stumbles out the door, hanging all over each other and giddy with love. Castle cringes as he watches the door shut behind them, but more than that he envies them, because not too long ago, that could have been him and Kate, and now it might never be them again.

He locks up and cleans the bar area before taking the cash drawer and reports down to the safe in his office. He fully intended to go home, get some food and read Kate's letter, but the bottle of scotch on his desk catches his eye. He's never been one to drown his sorrows in the bottle, but the thought of the rich liquid sliding down his throat, temporarily burning away the memories, sends him stumbling towards the bottle.

The first swallow brings the pleasure he's seeking and before he can change his mind, he's unconsciously finished the entire bottle. The sound of the empty glass making contact against his desk snaps some clarity into him. He glances around his office, listening as the silence seems to scream around him.

God, he misses her.

He's not sober enough to read her letter, he shouldn't be pulling it out of his pocket right now, but suddenly it's in his hands and unfolded. Her words seem to glare at him. This letter has a different tone to it, he can tell as soon as he reads his name carefully scripted at the top of the paper. It looks different from all the other ways she's written his name, and he knows that it's not the alcohol making him see it differently.

The 'c' looks a little messier than usual, like maybe her hand was shaking when she pressed the pen to the paper. There's a little more ink on the 'e' making it significantly darker than the other letters. It's as if she lingered there, keeping the pen pressed to his name long after she'd finished writing it. There's more emotion in these words than any of the others, he can feel it just as much as he can see it. It radiates off the paper and seeps through his fingertips into his heart.

* * *

_ Castle,_

_ I never noticed it before. Deep down I knew it was true, but I never actually saw what everyone else was seeing until now. Our picture, the one that Alexis snapped of us at Christmas, is on the shelf in my living room. We look so happy, so in love and so focused on each other that no one else seemed to exist. Right beside that picture is one of me and my dad. I think it was taken the summer after my mom was murdered. _

_ I wish you could see them side by side, Castle. I look like a completely different person in the picture with my dad and that's because—well, because I was a different person. For the longest time all I could do was stand here and stare at them. I don't even know who that person is anymore, because the truth is, that person no longer exists. But it's not a bad thing, not when the reason for who I am now is so important to me._

_I've never told anyone this before, Castle, although I'm sure that the people who were around me could see. This is by far the hardest letter I've written to you, because letting go of other people is one thing, but letting go of myself was something completely different. How many people do you know that have completely let go of who they are at some point in their life?_

_It started after mom was murdered and escalated into a downward spiral after that. I was a mother-less nineteen year old with a drunk for a father. Everything that I had ever wanted suddenly became nothing to me. I had no idea what I was going to become, what direction I was going to follow. _

_If something I did reminded me of my mom, I stopped doing it. If it reminded me of the path my dad was taking, I wanted nothing to do with it. The first step I made towards changing things was joining the Police Academy. I thought it would help me push forward, but it really only fueled the hollow shell that I was becoming. _

_It's no secret to you that I buried myself in my mom's case when I got out. I thought at the time that I had found my north star, my way to still feel connected with my mom. I was wrong, because a north star isn't an object or a job. The only thing I was doing was losing myself and I had no intention of finding me again. _

_I eventually pulled myself out of the rabbit hole, but when I did, I left who I was behind. Everything I had been my entire life before that moment stayed buried deep inside that hole. When I met you, I was nothing but a hollow shell. I did nothing but work and sleep and occasionally eat. I had no social life, and no desire for one. I was nobody and I thought I was fine being that way. _

_I was wrong, Castle. _

_Being lost like that, living in a black hole, it's no way to live. I was just empty on the inside, no emotions, no desires, nothing. I forgot how to feel anything that made life enjoyable. I forgot what it was like to have someone make you feel alive. Until I met you. _

_You changed me. Little by little you brought the light back into my life, you brought the pieces of me back that I thought no longer existed. You saw the good in me even when I couldn't see it myself and you fought to piece me back together. You pushed me, molded me into someone that I'm happy being. You made me feel alive again._

_I lost myself once already, and you found me. I like who I am when I'm with you, around you, because you make me the best version of myself, and as cliché as it sounds, I think that means you're my other my half. _

_I don't ever want to lose myself again, I don't want to let go of who you've helped me to become. I'm better because of you, Castle. _

_And no matter what happens between us, I need you to know that you did for me what no one else ever could have. You made me _'_me' again. But the truth is, if you walk away from this—from us, you won't be the only person that I'm losing. I love who I am with you, Castle, and I love you. _

_-Always, Kate._

* * *

Castle lays the letter on the desk at the same time that he reaches for his phone. If he was sober, he'd argue that this thought would have never crossed his mind, that five letters doesn't change anything for them.

He's not sober.

He presses her number and puts the phone to his ear before his mind catches up with his body and realizes what he's doing. A brief moment of clarity rushes through him and on the third ring he ends the call, slamming his phone back onto his desk.

Hearing her voice right now would do things to him that he can't handle. He lost himself in her a long time ago and truthfully, he's pretty sure he's losing himself right now as well. He needs to make a decision, because he can't keep living like this.

He stumbles over to the large, leather couch in the corner of his office and drops his body heavily on to it. He's in no shape to drive back to the loft and it's too late to call his driver. He needs to be somewhere that her memory doesn't override his senses. Her scent doesn't linger here and that's what he needs right now.

As his eyes close and he drifts off to sleep, he can't help but think that it really doesn't matter if her scent lingers there or not, she's so much a part of him that he'll carry the memory of her, the scent of her, always.

* * *

_Bri, thank you for all you do. xoxo_

_Would love to hear your thoughts. xo_


	7. My Rock

**A/N: Real life is seriously trying to take me down, so, although I intended to wait a few days to post this, this is my fight back. Always been a fighter, always will be. Thank you to all who continuously support me.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle nor do I intend any copyright.**

* * *

**My Rock**

"_So often, we push away the voices closest to us,_

_But once they're gone, we reach for them."_

_-Mitch Albom_

* * *

Castle wakes with a pain in his neck that mirrors the dull thudding in his head. He's vaguely aware that the smooth leather against his cheek doesn't match the soft Egyptian cotton he's used to waking up to. He rubs his eyes a few times, squinting as his eyes struggle to adjust to the light.

Oh, right.

He slept at The Old Haunt.

He groans as he pulls himself off the couch and shuffles through the top drawer of his desk until he finally finds a bottle of aspirin. He takes the bottle with him and grabs a bottle of water from the bar area before locking up and hurrying to his car. Thankfully no one seems to be around to see him. All he needs is a headline that reads, "Richard Castle, hung-over and alone, stumbles from pub in the early morning hours." Yeah, that's definitely the last thing he needs.

* * *

He's never been more thankful for the quietness of the loft when he walks in the door. He's gripping another letter from Kate tightly in his hand, but he can't deal with it just yet. He's still reeling from the one he read last night. Emotions and hang-over headaches don't mix and if he had a choice right now he'd pick neither of them.

He leaves the newest letter along with the one he read last night on his bed. Maybe a shower will help clear his mind. He's thrilled that she's decided to share so much of herself with him, parts of her that he knows no one else will ever see. He wants that to be enough to fix them, but it's not.

After a long, scalding hot shower that he never wants to end, he starts to feel better physically. He fixes some soup and a grilled cheese and then calls his mother and Alexis to catch up with them. If they pick up on his somber mood, they don't mention it, and he's grateful for that. He's also thankful that they understand when he tells them he needs a little more time to process things.

Afterwards, he watches a few movies and lets the real world fade away for a few hours. There's nothing like a good Star Trek marathon to take your mind off things. By the time he re-enters his bedroom it's well into the early hours of the next morning. He's in a much better mood and he's ready to read Kate's letter. But nothing could have prepared him for the depths of this sixth and final description of what lies within her heart.

* * *

_ Castle,_

_ Last night my phone rang and I expected it to be anyone but you. By the time I got to it the ringing had stopped. The call was from you, Castle. It only rang three times, but it was your face on my screen. I hoped you would call back, but it never rang again. Does this mean you've read my letters? Are you waiting for me to call you back?_

_I've been dreading this letter since I started writing to you. None of these six letters have been easy to write, but sharing the missing pieces of my heart with you was something we both needed. I never realized how much it would hurt to put all of that into writing, but I also never knew how much it would help. _

_This will be my last letter because if I haven't made clear what I want by the end of this, then I don't deserve for you to come to me. So far I've told you about people of the past that I've had to let go of. Each of those losses shaped me into who I am and while they were extremely painful at the time, I wouldn't change it. If I know you, you'll want to know why—because if I changed anything about my life, I may never have met you._

_I need to be completely honest with you, so if you've read my other letters please don't stop reading this one until the end. I got the job in D.C. and I accepted it. I wanted to tell you in my first letter, but I was afraid that if I did you wouldn't hear me out. _

_I never expected to get the job, but I kept telling myself that if the opportunity presented itself to me that I wasn't going to turn it down. This is a great opportunity for me to do more and if I turn it down, I'm afraid that I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Regretting tends to lead to resenting and I don't ever want to resent you or anyone else in my life, Castle. _

_If you don't believe anything else that I say please believe that I'm not choosing this job over you. That was never my intention when I went for the interview. This brings me to the most important part of my heart that I need to share with you. _

_This past year with you has been so much more than I ever could have asked for. I fought my feelings for you for so long and once I finally gave into them I couldn't justify my reasons for doing that for so long. You're such an amazing man and you've been so good to me. _

_The past couple months made me question things about us and I know that I should have just discussed them with you, but I was scared, Castle. I didn't want to ruin what we had going because I was feeling insecure. You can read me like a book, but I can't say the same about you. Sometimes I have no idea what you're thinking or feeling. You hide behind your humor and crazy theories sometimes and it's your way of keeping people at arm's length. I'm not blaming you for it because my choices brought is to where we are right now, but I think if we ever have a chance of moving forward, we have to learn to let each other see even the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. _

_When Meredith stayed with us while my apartment was being fumigated, I listened to some of the things she was saying and I let it get to me. She told me that the reason you split up was because you knew everything about her, but she knew nothing about you—well none of the deeper stuff anyway. I know that I should have never let her of all people get to me because she probably did it on purpose, but Castle, I can't help but think that while I know a great deal about you, there are still parts of you that you keep hidden away. _

_By the time we encountered Eric Vaughn I was really struggling with a way to talk to you about where we were heading with our relationship. I didn't want to rush things by any means, but I've told you before that I'm a one and done kind of girl and I want you to be my one. While I was protecting Vaughn he questioned me about how serious you and I were and I couldn't answer him, Castle. I wanted so badly to tell him that you were it, but I had no idea what your thoughts on that were. _

_I realize that you waited for me for four years and I know you care about me and love me, but I can't help wondering if that's enough. I know what I did—not telling you about D.C. was wrong, Castle. I'm so incredibly sorry for shutting you out and not just opening up to you about everything I was feeling. If we make it through this, I promise to talk to you about things, I promise to be open with you. _

_I've never known what it's like to let go of you as a lover, but I have experienced letting go of you in other ways. The summer you asked me to go to the Hamptons with you was the first. I initially turned you down, but by the time I decided to take you up on the offer it was too late. I spent the entire summer kicking myself for not speaking up sooner. I also spent that time trying to distance myself from the feelings I was clearly starting to feel for you. _

_The second time was after I was shot. I made that decision myself, but it was only because I was so terrified that if I let you in, I would destroy you. I was a ticking time bomb that summer, Castle. If I'm being completely honest, I was worse off than right after my mother was murdered. I completely lost myself and I was determined not to take anyone down with me. _

_What I'm really trying to say is that I've tried letting go of you, Castle. I've tried, but I just can't. You are so much a part of me, I don't think I ever could. I don't want to have to try ever again. Letting go of you—the finality of it would destroy me completely. _

_If you'll give me a chance, I'll put forth the effort to make this work. I'll own up to my mistakes, and I'll tell you anything else that you want to know. You know every vulnerable part of me now, every part of my heart. _

_Tomorrow is my last day in the city. My flight for D.C. leaves early the next morning. I'm not going to beg you to stay with me. I know what taking this job means and I won't ask you to give up your life here for me. People do long distance all of the time. If you still want me after this, I'll be home all day. If you don't show up before my flight leaves, I'll take the hint and this will be the last you hear from me. _

_I love you, Castle. I love you with every piece of who I am. You came into my life and filled in all of the pieces that life stole from me. If this is really over between us, the void you leave will be irreplaceable. I'm willing to fight for us, so I guess the question is, are you?_

_ Please don't give up on me. _

_ I love you, always. _

_ -Kate._

* * *

He's numb. Physically and emotionally numb. Her words ripped through him like the force of a hurricane on a small, deserted island. The devastation is almost too much to handle. She took the job and she's leaving. He put off reading the letter and now her last day in the city is over. If he wants to talk to her he's going to have to go now.

He looks down at the watch that he's yet to take off his wrist. It's nearly five a.m. and, although her letter didn't specify an exact time, he's sure that if he doesn't go right now, he'll miss her. But what does she really want? Is he willing to forgive her and try to move past this?

He makes a split-second decision, grabbing his phone and keys and rushing through the loft. They still have a lot to discuss. Hell, he's not even sure this is really going to work, but he can't let her go without at least trying. He waited for four years, he forgave her for her other mistakes. She's opened up to him, admitted her mistakes and let him inside; he owes her at least a real life discussion.

It might not work; they might not be able to fix this. Or it might be the thing that does fix them and they might get a future together after all. He'll never be able to live with himself if he doesn't go to her, if he doesn't try.

He's too impatient to wait for a cab and take a chance on missing her so he rushes to his car and quickly navigates it out of the parking garage. He manages to dodge most morning traffic and make it to her apartment rather quickly.

* * *

His heart hammers in his chest, breaths coming quickly as he rushes up the stairs to her floor. He couldn't stand waiting for the elevator. He pauses only for a second outside her door before the loud thud of his fist connecting with her door echoes through the hallway.

He waits but she doesn't come. He quickly locates her key on his ring, reasoning that maybe she's in the shower and doesn't hear him knocking. When the lock turns and he swings her door open he knows instantly that he's too late.

The once tastefully decorated apartment is now empty. It's a vacant space that mirrors the current state of his heart. There is no hint of the warmth that used to flood his system as soon as he'd walk in her door. It's empty, cold and dark.

She's gone.

He doesn't even have to walk through the entire apartment to know. He waited too long to come for her.

He takes one last look around before slowly closing and locking the door. This time his walk down the stairs is slow, his demeanor completely changed. He takes his time, letting each step burn through his body.

If only he'd taken the elevator up, or walked more quickly back down the stairs, he may have found the missing piece of his heart.

* * *

**_The next chapter will pick up right where this one leaves off. :)_**

_Thank you to Bri, for everything. xoxo  
_

_As always, would love to hear your thoughts. Xo_


	8. My Future

**A/N: Sorry for the slight delay in updates, life decided to deal me a giant cup of angst so while my love for angst and this story is still very strong, I just didn't have the heart to write it for a few days. Now, I think some of you have been waiting for this moment so here ya go. Thank you for your constant support, it means the world to me. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that is Castle.**

* * *

**My Future**

"_We all make mistakes, _

_Don't let that be the reason you give up on somebody."_

_-Unknown_

* * *

The choice comes down to now or never. Castle opts for now. He calls her on the way back to his car, but it goes straight to voicemail. Three more calls end the same way, and it makes him wonder if maybe this is how it was supposed to work out. He chose 'now,' but maybe life had already chosen 'never'.

He's driving back to his loft when he decides to make a call, take a chance. Jim Beckett has always been friendly towards him, but he's not sure of the reception he's going to receive from Kate's dad given the circumstances. Castle's pleasantly surprised when the older man seems not only happy to hear from him, but offers up Kate's flight details and a warm wish for a happy ending.

There's not much time, but he makes a split-second decision to go after her anyway. There may be a ton of things that will threaten to drive them permanently apart, awaiting in their future but after all they've overcome, this is worth the fight.

He weaves in and out of traffic, cursing himself for waiting so long to read her last letter. There's so many things he wishes they could do over, so many missed opportunities to reassure her that he's in this for life—or well, he was until she made a life-changing decision without him. Now he's not sure what's going to happen if he does catch her. He's willing to listen to her, willing to talk it out, but that won't magically fix them and it won't take away all of the hurt. They might crash and burn, but he won't spend the rest of his life wondering because he didn't fight for what he wants.

He parks his car with only seconds to spare, and he sprints through the crowded airport at a pace that surprises him. His body begins to protest but he pushes through it. He's not giving her up without a fight. He repeats her flight information to himself as he runs, making sure that he doesn't mess this up. He's nearly to her terminal when he hears the last call for her flight.

Shit.

He pushes harder, ignoring the burn in his legs as he slides to a stop right in front of where she should be. He doesn't see her, and the last of the people who are on the same flight as her are disappearing through the door. He tries to follow after, calling her name as loud as he can, but his progress is quickly halted by airport security. He begs them to let him through, pleads that he just needs to give someone a message and then he'll gladly leave. It's not happening though, and he can't help but think it's another sign from the universe.

He paces back and forth in front of the huge glass window, watches in agony as the plane begins to move, lifting into the air and taking his heart with it. He rips his phone out of his pocket, makes a last ditch effort to hear her voice, even if it's the last time he ever does. It rings but she doesn't pick up and he fights back the emotions as the call goes to her voicemail.

He doesn't intend to leave her a message but when her voice cuts off the words start flowing out of him.

"Kate, it's me. I um—I'm kind of at a loss for words here, which seems to be the norm when it comes to you. I just want you to know that I didn't want to give up on us. I read your letters. It's too late now, but I read them. So, take care of yourself, let your hair down and maybe when the time is right, you can let someone love you in the way you deserve to be loved. And most importantly be happy. That's all I ever wanted for you."

He stuffs his phone back in his pocket and ignores the ache of his heart. He can't say that he would have forgiven her right away had he caught her, but he at least wanted the chance. His state of mind slowly worsens as he makes it back to his car, and when he gets there he sinks heavily into the driver's seat.

* * *

He has no desire to go back to the loft, in fact, he has no desire to go anywhere really, but the place he finds himself at is familiar, comforting. Their swings. These swings have so much meaning to him, to them, and somehow sitting in the same spot where they've overcome countless problems makes it seem as though they have a chance of solving this one.

Castle loses himself in his thoughts—thoughts of her. He lets himself dwell on her for a significant amount of time and then he forces himself to think about something else. He's so consumed with forcing her out of his mind that he doesn't realize the sun is starting to set and there's a light drizzle of rain falling around him.

The steadiness of the rain has turned into a downpour by the time he snaps out of his thoughts and glances around him. His body is slightly numb from sitting in the small swing for so long but he finally manages to stand and re-awaken his limbs. He sprints to his car, although by the time he gets to it he's completely soaked. He can't help but shake his head at the mockery of the rain and those swings. A clack of thunder echoes around him and he remembers the time that a thunderstorm brought a soaking wet, Kate to his door. If only that outcome could be a reality for a second time.

* * *

In spite of the warm weather, he's chilled by the time he gets to the door of his loft and he intends to head straight for the shower. He pushes the door open and trudges into the loft, kicking his shoes off once he's inside. He's half-way to his bedroom, focused only on warming up when he hears the sound of her voice. He hadn't glanced towards the living room as he walked by, but there's no way that she's really here. Is there? He saw her plane take off, he missed her, and she's probably settled in D.C. by now. He hears the voice again and he whirls around to find Kate there, in his loft, sitting on his couch.

"Ka—Kate, what are you doing here? I thought—I mean I watched your plane take off this morning." He's still frozen to the spot where he's standing and his legs are starting to feel like jello, because the last person he expected to be sitting on his couch when he got back to the loft is Kate Beckett.

Kate moves from her sitting position on the couch to stand so that she's facing him, but she doesn't move any further. "I didn't—wait, you were at the airport? How did you get my flight information?"

"I called your dad; I didn't know what else to do. I left you a voicemail, did you not get it?"

She sighs and runs a hand through her hair and Castle can't help but notice that she looks like she hasn't slept or eaten since their fight. Her answer comes in a whisper and he almost misses it. "Yes, I got it." And then she continues a little louder this time. "It's kind of the reason that I'm here. I did get on the plane, but I listened to your message before it took off, and although it took a great deal of persuading, I managed to get them to let me off. But—Castle, your message didn't say you were at the airport."

He can't seem to form words to make a sentence so he just shrugs at her. She takes it as an invitation to talk again.

"I had a cab bring me here and I've been sitting on this couch for hours. I didn't know where you were, but I didn't want to take a chance on leaving and missing you."

He starts to say something but she holds up a hand to silence him. She looks as if she's just noticed that his clothes are clinging to his slightly shivering frame. "Castle, I don't want to do this—have this conversation while we stand awkwardly across the room from each other. You look like hell and while I'm sure that's mostly my fault, you're also soaking wet. Why don't you go get some warm clothes on and then if you're willing, we can talk?"

He's torn between which type of emotion he wants to show right now. On one hand he's still really upset with her for the decisions she's made, on the other, he's so glad to see her here and he wants to ask her what the means for them. He decides that he can at least give her a chance to talk, after all, isn't that what he wanted when he went after her at the airport?

"Okay, yeah we can talk. I'm going to go take a quick shower. There's food in the fridge if you're hungry."

He studies Kate for a minute longer, taking in her nod and the fact that she isn't going anywhere, and then he leaves her alone in his living room while he goes to take a shower. He strips out of his wet clothes and leaves them on the floor or the bathroom before stepping into the shower and adjusting the water to as hot as he can stand.

* * *

He lets the heat of the water wash away the remnants of the cool rain and chill on his skin. He lets the pounding pressure work into his sore, aching muscles until the water starts to run cool and his skin begins to prune. He dreads this talk more than anything because the outcome of it is completely unpredictable. They're horrible at discussing things and voicing their true feelings until it seems to be too late. And that's the thing that scares him the most—that no matter how much he loves her, it might be too late. Love doesn't fix everything.

He turns of the water, stepping reluctantly out of the shower and into the cool air. His skin prickles with goose bumps as he dries and dresses himself in warm, dry clothing. His Green Lantern t-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants seem like a perfect choice for the way he's about to spend his evening.

* * *

When he re-enters the kitchen, Kate's in the same spot he left her and he stops a little ways from the couch to study her. She looks deep in thought, the smooth planes of her face lined with worry and tension. He softly clears his throat and takes a seat on the other end of the couch she's sitting on. She startles momentarily before turning slightly towards him.

"Thank you for letting me do that first, I—well I kind of got lost in thought and didn't realize it was raining until I was already soaked."

She nods but doesn't say anything and he can see the slight tremble of her hands as they rest in her lap. He decides to dive right into the conversation. There's no point in dragging it out.

"I'm not really sure where to begin so I'm going to start with this. What are you doing here, Kate? I read your letters and I thought you'd be—shouldn't you be in D.C., embracing your new life?"

Hurt flashes across her face and although he hates to see her hurting in any way, she made her choice and brought them to where they are right now. "Castle, I couldn't—when I got on that plane this morning I thought that we were done. I figured that if you wanted there to still be an 'us,' that you'd read them and show up at my apartment before I left. I knew that I couldn't just show up at your door again and expect you to let me fall back into your arms like nothing ever happened."

"So that's why you decided to write me the letters?" His tone is void of emotion; he needs some answers from her first.

"Yes," she sighs. "I know how much words mean to you and I thought—well, I thought if I gave you all of the ones I've been holding back that maybe you would feel like you knew me better. I thought maybe it would prove how much I trust you; show you that I want to let you in."

He shifts into a more comfortable position on the couch and then glances back over at her. "I do appreciate a good story, especially a true one."

"Castle, those words—they came straight from my heart. Most of the things I wrote to you are things that I've never shared with anyone. I never wanted to share them with anyone—until I met you."

He can hear the emotion in her voice as she speaks and he knows that she means every word she's saying to him. "That means a lot to me, Kate. Making the choice to share those parts of yourself—your heart with me, that's huge."

"I'm sensing there's a 'but' there somewhere." She looks nervous, as if she's waiting for him to throw her out or something.

"But that doesn't change what you did. You chose to shut me out on one of the most important decisions you've ever made. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"I—I didn't—I don't know." She came back to talk to him and to see if they still have a chance, but now that she's here and they're actually discussing things, she can't seem to find her voice when she needs it the most.

"Did I not love you enough, Kate, is that it? Was I not what you thought I was going to be, so you decided to look for a way out?" He doesn't mean to raise his voice, but now that they've opened the floodgates he can't stop himself.

She stands from her spot on the couch and paces to the center of the room. She buries her head in her hands and when she raises it to speak to him tears are streaming down her cheeks. "God, no—no, Castle. You were always enough; I never meant to make you feel like you weren't. You said you read my letters, I told you what you mean to me. I just—I got scared."

He's up then too, and as he takes a step closer to her, she takes a step back. "Scared of what, Kate?"

She shakes her head as she deftly tries to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "Of us, of where we were going—if we had a future."

His resolve softens at her words and he takes another step towards her, this time she doesn't back away. "How could you think that I didn't want a future with you, after everything we've been through? Kate, I waited for four years for you to be ready for an 'us', do you really think that I would've walked away from you?"

"I don't know," she shrugs. "It felt like every time I tried to bring it up you shrugged it off. I couldn't tell if you wanted more with me or not."

He backs away from her then and her heart threatens to shatter. "If I'm that bad at showing you what I want then something is seriously wrong. I don't know, Kate. Maybe we're just two people who love each other, but aren't meant to be together. A relationship shouldn't be this hard."

She tries to find the words, any words to tell him that he's wrong, but she can only hold herself up as the tears continue to roll down her cheeks. Castle starts to turn away from her, as if he's going to walk away and she's so afraid that it's going to be for good that she manages to find her voice again.

"Castle, please. Please don't say that; please don't give up on us, on me." She practically sobs the words out and at first she isn't sure that he even understood her, but then he's turning and coming back to stand right in front of her.

"I would never give up on you. No matter what happens, I'll always be here for you, Kate, always. But I can't lie and say that giving up on us is an option we both might have to accept. I'm not saying that I have, but we have a lot to discuss before there's even a chance of things working out for us."

She looks completely broken but she nods her acceptance of his words. It's quiet for a few minutes before he speaks again. "It's late and I'm sure you're just as exhausted as I am. I think we should sleep on it and we can talk more tomorrow." The silence after his question is practically screaming all of the things he's not asking her. Things like, will she even still be there tomorrow?

"Okay, goodnight, Castle." Her voice is quiet and laced with her fear of having to walk away from him for good. She walks around him and gets half way to the door before he stops her with a gently hand on her shoulder. She wills the tears away at the feeling of his touch on her body. He turns her to face him and she can see nothing but concern on his face.

"I went to—I was at," he sighs. "Let me try that again, Kate, I was at your apartment this morning. I tried to catch you before your flight left and I let myself into your place when you didn't answer. I saw everything packed up. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, where are you going to stay tonight?"

She tries to turn away from him again but he tightens his grip on her shoulder. "I uh—I didn't really think that part through when I got off the plane. I'll just call my dad or something."

"No."

His tone isn't controlling but she arches an eyebrow at him anyway. "No?"

"That's not necessary. There's no one else here but me right now. You're more than welcome to stay here."

She starts to tell him no, but she just doesn't have the heart to, not when she's been away from him for what seems like forever. "Okay, I'll stay. Thank you, Castle."

She starts for the guest room but he once again stops her with the soft pressure of his hand. "I know that things are still not fixed between us but were both adults, Kate. There's no reason for you to sleep in the guest room unless you really want to. You can sleep in our bed with me."

Her heart soars at his words because although he's told her that there's a chance that they can't fix their relationship, he's still calling it 'their' bed. She's longed to feel the heat of his body pressed against her own since the night of their fight and she can't find the strength or the will to tell him no. So instead she follows him into 'their' bedroom.

He turns down the bed while she slips into the bathroom to change and then she joins him in the bed. It's awkward at first, both of them holding themselves away from the other until the pull of sleep causes them to relax. She stiffens when her arm brushes against his and she's about to pull away when he presses closer to her.

She's almost asleep when his voice causes her eyes to snap open. "Thank you, for coming back, for fighting for what you want, Kate. I promise not to give up unless that's the only choice I see."

She finds his hand underneath the covers and squeezes his fingers before retreating back to her side of the bed. It's a silent thank you, but she knows he understands. She waits until his breathing evens out before she softly whispers four words that she means more than anything. "I love you, Castle."

He's on the verge of sleep, but her words flood his system, wrap around him and give him a hope that he hasn't seen in far too long.

* * *

_Bri, thank you for always finding time for not only making my words better, but for being an amazing friend. Xoxo_

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	9. My Mistakes

**A/N: We're back in Kate's POV for the majority of this chapter. I'm flying beta-less on the next few chapters as my lovely beta is currently busy, so all mistakes are my own.! Thank you so much for your continued support, I heart each and every one of you! **

**Shout out to Jill for picking up on the 'Friends' parallel in the last chapter! :)**

**As for the negative guest reviewers, I'm going to put it point blank. If you want a voice, log in, because if you want a right to voice what you don't like, I deserve a chance to defend why I wrote it. If you're just leaving unnecessary hate, you can take it elsewhere. I detest bullying.  
**

**One more thing. By now you've probably seen the #ThankYouTerri tag floating around. As you're aware of, Terri Edda Miller has poured her heart and soul into writing several of our beloved Castle episodes. A group of us decided that we wanted to thank not only her, but the entire Castle team for their devotion, hard work and time in creating the show we all love. The Young Storytellers Foundation is a wonderful program geared towards encouraging the artistic talents of children. It's a charity that's close to Terri's heart and to thank her and the Castle team we're giving back. Find me on twitter (xx00Meg00XX) and check out what we're doing and join us in giving back! The link is also in my profile! Thank you! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle nor do I claim any ownership over the characters or episodes.**

* * *

**My Mistakes**

"_The silence isn't so bad,_

_Till I look at my hand and feel sad._

_The spaces between my fingers were once occupied,_

_I believe through faith, _

_That one day they will be filled again."_

_-Owl City_

* * *

Kate wakes to a sea of darkness and for the long minute that it takes her memory to catch up with reality, she panics at the warm body that's pressed to her back. She tilts her head back to see the soft features of Castle's sleeping face illuminated by the pale light of the moon. Oh, it's all coming back to her now. She got off the plane. She's in his loft, in 'their' bed. They still have a long ways to go, but the fact that he allowed her to sleep beside him says more about what he wants than anything else.

He must have shifted closer to her in the middle of the night, seeking the warmth that they'd both been denied for the past three weeks. She shifts forward and then rolls onto her other side, propping herself up on her elbow so that she can get a better view of him. He looks peaceful and she wonders if it's the first time he's slept so soundly since the night of their big fight, because it's the first night she has, until now. Suddenly, the need to talk to him and try to fix things between them is too great and she can't stand to wait any longer. There's so much she needs to say to him and she needs to say it now.

She's slightly hesitant on waking him up but when she turns to find a pair of wide eyes staring back at her, it seems that he's thinking the same thing she is. Even in the darkness of the room the sea of blue is piercing.

Despite the wideness of his eyes his voice is still laden with sleep when he speaks. "Kate, what are you doing awake?"

Her skin prickles with goose bumps and she pulls the sheet tighter around her. "I'm sorry, Castle, I just—too much on my mind."

He nods in understanding but his next question is not at all what she was expecting. "Do you have to catch another flight today?"

"What? No, no I don't—well actually, I don't have another flight."

Shit. She did not want to have this particular conversation at, she glances at the clock beside him, four a.m.—no this is definitely not the right topic to be on this early. There's so much more they need to discuss before they get to her reason for not having another flight.

"Do you need to use my laptop to book another one? You know where it is if you do."

She sits up and turns to face him, letting the sheet pool around her waist and shivering as the cool air hits her exposed skin.

"No, I um, I don't need another flight."

His face is unreadable as he sits up beside her. "Kate…"

"Castle, wait." She holds up a hand to stop him from asking what she knows is on the tip of his tongue. "That's definitely something we need to talk about, but there are some other things I need to say—some other hurdles we need to jump first, okay?"

He scrubs a hand down his face before throwing back the covers and sliding out of the bed.

"Castle?"

He hears her question just as he gets to the door of the bedroom and although he answers her, he doesn't turn back as he speaks. "We can talk, Kate, but if we're going to dive into this right now I need some coffee first."

* * *

The machine is already hissing and gurgling by the time she follows him into the kitchen. His back is to her, but she can sense the tension rolling off of him.

"Castle, I'm sorry. If you don't want to be awake this early I understand. I can read or something if you want to go back to sleep. I just—I haven't slept peacefully for three weeks now and I…"

He spins around to face her as she trails off, and although his face still shows traces of hurt and anger, his voice is soft. "I woke up on my own, remember? I want to do this right now, I want us to sit down and get everything out in the open. It's the only chance we have of making this work."

"Okay."

He turns his attention away from her, reaching above the coffee pot to remove two mugs from the cabinet. He pours them both a cup and hands hers over as he motions towards the couch. She lets him settle on one end before choosing to sit on the opposite. Kate takes a moment to sip her coffee, letting the scalding liquid slide down her throat before angling her body to face him.

"So…" She clears her throat as the words threaten to clog together. "You read all of my letters?"

"Yes," he answers over the rim of his cup.

"What did you—do you um, do you have any questions, thoughts, concerns?"

He's quiet for a long minute that seems to stretch out in the silence of the room. "Why now?"

Kate's brow turns down in confusion. "I'm sorry?"

He sets his empty mug down on the table in front of them and angles his body so that his posture mirrors hers. "Why did you choose now to share all of that with me? Why did it take almost a year of being in a relationship with me for you to decide that I was worthy of that information—of those parts of you?"

She swallows thickly, fights the urge to flee from this conversation. He deserves more from her. He deserves the truth.

"Because, I was—am scared."

In spite of the pain that's laced through her voice, it's Castle who looks as though he's just been punched in the gut.

"Scared of what, Kate?" He questions, leaning forward and leveling her with an intense gaze.

"Of us—of everything we weren't talking about."

Castle let's his head fall back against the couch and he doesn't lift it when he answers.

"The only person I remember 'not talking,' is you, Kate, and I'm still waiting for an explanation of why."

She lets the ceramic bottom of her coffee cup connect harshly with the surface of the coffee table. "That's not fair and you know it. I'm not the only person who hasn't been opening up. God, Castle, that's why we're in this mess—because neither of us talks about things."

"I'm sorry; tell me how it isn't fair, what am I not opening up to you about?" He's getting mad now and she can tell that this conversation has the potential to get very loud.

"I've been trying to ask you where we were going in this relationship for weeks now and every time I did, you shut me down in one way or another." She combs a hand through the tangled mess of her hair, shaking her head as she continues. "Do you know what Eric Vaghn asked me right before he tried to kiss me? He asked if we were serious and I couldn't give him a truthful answer because I didn't know. We've been doing this for almost a year now but we never talk about where we're going."

She stops then, allowing him the chance to say something. He's quiet for several minutes before he lifts his head and looks at her.

"Kate, I didn't realize that you wanted to have that conversation. When you asked me that, I didn't know you meant you wanted to sit down and discuss it. I never brought anything serious like that up because I didn't want to push you. Hell, it took us four years to get the point of having a relationship; I guess I just assumed that you wouldn't be ready to discuss more yet. Why didn't you just come right out and say that you wanted to talk about it? Where is all of this coming from?"

She folds her legs up in front of her on the couch, resting her head on her knees. "I've never stuck with a relationship for this long before. I've always kept one foot out the door so that I could bolt when things got serious. I guess it scared me that we'd been doing this for a year and I thought maybe the magic would wear off—maybe it was too good to be true. And when I couldn't get you to talk about it with me, I thought maybe you didn't want me as much as you originally thought you did."

"Kate…" He leans forward and grabs her hand, lacing their fingers together. "What we have—and yes we still have it, it's real, it's always been real. I will always want you and each day that I know you—that you're a part of my life that want only increases. I wanted you yesterday, I want you today and I'll want you tomorrow. That's never going to change, do you hear me?"

Tears are streaming steadily down her face by the time he finishes talking and the anger that he's been feeling retreats momentarily, leaving behind only concern for her. He tugs on her hand, using their linked fingers to draw her closer. "Come here."

She lets him pull her until she's settled sideways on his lap, her legs resting on the couch at the side of his body. It's the first real contact she's had with him in three weeks and she has to fight back another sob. His right hand rubs soothing circles on her back while his left settles on her thigh.

"So is that why you decided to write me letters, to show me that you were still in this, that you weren't running away from it—from us?"

She nods as she rests her head against his chest. "I needed you to hear those words, and since I was having trouble voicing them aloud, I wrote them."

"So does that mean I'm closer to knowing all of you now?" His voice vibrates through her body and she lets herself push more firmly against him.

"You know me better than anyone, Castle. But I wanted you to have every piece of my heart because it all belongs to you. Every broken piece that you've made whole, every hidden piece that no one's ever cared about before but you; it's all yours, for as long as you want it."

"Always, I want it, always." His answer comes in a whisper against her temple and she grips is shirt in her hand, fights back the emotions that threaten to drown her. Castle wraps both arms around her slender frame and holds her against him, both lost in thought at everything that's just been shared between them.

* * *

Several minutes have passed and the sun is starting to rise, its soft morning light filtering in through the windows. She feels Castle take a particularly long, deep breath and she knows his next question before it ever leaves his mouth.

"Tell me about what was going on inside your head when you went to that job interview. Walk me through it—help me understand, please?"

She lifts her head, taking a deep breath before she starts. "Well, we still weren't talking about important things and then when Stack told me about the job opening I couldn't stop thinking about it."

When she pauses to take a breath he cuts in. "Wait, I asked you what he wanted and you told me it was nothing. So you started lying to me then?"

She tries to shift off his lap but he holds her there, unwilling to let her go. "I wanted to tell you, Castle, but at that point I wasn't even sure they were going to call me, so I figured it wasn't important."

"And when they did call you?"

"I don't know—I just, I was unsure about everything, and I guess it seemed like the only thing I could control at the time." She drops her hand from his shirt; suddenly feeling like their current contact is too much.

"So you chose to pursue a possible future that wouldn't include me, instead of asking me about our future?" The hurt that had dissipated from his voice earlier is slowly creeping back in and she hates it, hate what she's done to the man she loves.

"I wasn't choosing a future without you, Castle. I was just trying to do what was best for me, while trying to figure out what was happening with us."

"Yet instead of talking to me and trying to figure it out, you hid things from me and pushed me further away. That seems to be what you're best at, pushing away the people that love you."

This time when she tries to move he lets her and she walks away from where he's seated, putting distance between them even as it threatens to break her.

"I wasn't trying to push you away, that was never my goal," she says with her back still turned to him.

"Funny, considering that's exactly what you did. When I found the boarding pass and confronted you about it, you told me that your decision wasn't about us, that it was about your life. So was that your way of telling me that I wasn't going to be a part of your future?"

She whirls back around to face him and this time he ignores the tears that are staining her cheeks. "What—no, how could you think…"

"How could I not think that?" He cuts her off. "Every choice you made in the few days leading up that fight speaks volumes. You didn't include me in your decision because you weren't sure you wanted me to be a part of it, and yet, you've sat here telling me that I'm the one who wasn't being clear about what I wanted."

She remains where she's standing, neither of them willing to comfort the other right now. "I wanted you to come back that night—I expected you to fight before you decided to give up."

"Maybe after four years of fighting for you, I just didn't have any fight left. Sometimes things just aren't…"

"Don't…" she holds up her hand, her tears falling more persistently as she fights the emotions. "Don't say I'm—we're not worth fighting for unless you really mean it, because if you say it, I will walk out that door and you won't have to worry about hearing from me again."

He stares back at her, his gaze fierce and angry, and yet he doesn't say the words because no matter how mad he is, he doesn't mean them.

* * *

He stands and collects their mugs, leaving her where she is while he places them in the sink and searches for something to cook for breakfast. He can't continue their conversation without some type of fuel other than coffee.

He pulls out some eggs and bacon, setting them on the counter as he locates a frying pan and prepares to cook them. He's vaguely aware of her movement, but ignores it until he looks up to find her sitting at the bar, watching him.

He flips the bacon, listening to it sizzle before glancing back up at her. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah."

He nods, continues to flip the bacon and cracking the eggs into the pan.

"Castle, please say something. I can't—I spent three weeks in silence, I can't handle anymore." Her voice still holds the remnants of her emotions but the tears seem to have dried up.

He places a napkin over the plate he has sitting on the counter, flipping several crispy pieces of bacon onto it. "I'm not really sure where to go from here, Kate. I don't know how I'm supposed to let all of this go. I need the rest of the story, first."

"Okay."

He turns to grab two more plates from the cabinet and divides the food between them, offering her one before returning to his place on the couch. She hesitates but then follows after him, sinking down into her original spot.

"Thank you," she tells him once she's swallowed a mouthful of bacon.

"For what?"

"For breakfast, for listening to everything I've said, for not walking away." She trails off, the rest over her unspoken words of gratitude hanging in the air.

"Always."

And she can't help but smile because in spite of all the mistakes she's made, he's still holding on.

* * *

They finish their meal in silence and Castle reaches for her plate, standing to take them to the kitchen. He rinses them off and loads them into the dishwasher before returning to the couch and regarding her intently.

"Okay, so you accepted the job, tell me about that."

She folds her legs Indian style, letting her upper body lean back against the arm rest of the couch. "Yeah, I accepted it. I talked to my dad before I did. The more I thought about it the more I knew that if I didn't go for it, I'd always regret it. I've always wanted to be more—to do more and this job was my chance."

"Wait, was?" He questions.

"I'll get to that in a minute, okay?"

He nods, motioning for her to continue.

"Gates found out before I had the chance to tell her because the Attorney General's office had called her for a reference. She called me into her office and instead of being mad, she told me to go for it. I gave my two week notice that day and worked my last case with the boys. I didn't decide to write you the letters until the two weeks were up because I think a big part of me kept expecting you to show up."

"And what did you expect me to say if I did show up to find you packing your life away?" His tone isn't harsh but she can still hear the anger in it.

"I don't know—I wouldn't have asked you to drop your life and follow me if that's what you're thinking."

He shakes his head. "So you would have wanted me to accept it, wish you the best, and walk away?"

"No, of course not, I don't know how that conversation would've gone, but I never would've wanted it to end with you walking away."

He smiles at her this time, the first smile she's seen from him in weeks. "Good, because that's something I never would've done unless you specifically told me to."

She smiles back at him, reaching for his hand almost at the same time that he reaches for hers.

"So, I wrote the letters, prayed that you would read instead of sending them back to me. The last one was the hardest."

He squeezes her hand. "Was it hard because it was your last letter to me or because you hadn't heard back from me yet other than that stupid drunken call I started to make one night?"

"Both. But even more so because I knew I was leaving and there was a chance I would never see you again." She maneuvers their hands until she can lace their fingers together, sliding a little closer to him so that she can rest their joined hands comfortably on her knee.

"But I didn't make it until it was too late, and yet, you're still sitting here on my couch instead of in D.C. pursuing your new life."

She hears the question he's very loudly, not asking.

"Hmm, yes it seems I am. I guess it's time I told you why I don't have another plane to catch."

* * *

_Ne__xt chapter will be out soon!_

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	10. Consequences

**A/N: I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and if you don't celebrate it, I hope your day was still wonderful! Sorry for the slight delay, my computer's cooling fan isn't working so until it goes to be fixed next week I have to type in small increments of time. Thank you again for your continued support, and constantly putting a smile on my face. All mistakes on this one are my own. **

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**Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim any ownership over Castle.**

* * *

**"Consequences"**

"_There is a time for hello and a time for goodbye._

_It's why the act of burying things seems natural,_

_But the act of digging them up does not."_

_-Mitch Albom_

* * *

Kate lets go of Castle's hand, suddenly needing to stand while she has this conversation with him. He changes his posture so that he's facing where she stands in front of him and then he folds his hands together, resting them on his lap.

"I guess I should start with yesterday morning."

He nods, because of course he wants to know everything and the beginning is the best place to start.

"I waited until the last possible minute to see if you would come. I even thought about stopping by your loft on the way to the airport, but my whole reasoning for writing you the letters was to give you the option of fighting for this or letting it go. I came to your door once after I messed up, I didn't want to do that again."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry that I didn't make it in time, Kate."

She shakes her head, determined to show him how sorry she is for the mistakes she's made. "No, Castle. You have nothing to apologize for. I think—in all honesty, if you would have shown up, I don't think things would have worked out this way."

"So you're saying you would have gone to D.C. anyway even if I had shown up?" He asks.

She runs a hand through her hair, pacing a few steps from her original spot. "I don't know. I think it took you not showing up to bring us to where we are now. I mean I know you said that you did come to find me, but I think not seeing you is what changed everything for me. It opened my eyes, made me see what I was about to walk away from."

"Go on," he encourages.

"I got to the airport and before I even got on the plane something felt wrong. As much as I wanted to pursue this job, to be more than what I've been, I didn't feel right about it. I spent the last three weeks reasoning that if I didn't take this job that I'd regret it. I constantly told myself that if I didn't go, I'd always wonder what if. I thought that if I chose to stay here for you, that I'd end up hating you and myself." She pauses to catch her breath before continuing. "I was wrong, Castle. I was wrong about everything."

He glances at her questioningly but his lack of answer tells her that he's waiting for her to continue.

"That night we fought was one of the worst of my life. None of the fights we've ever had compare to that one because in the days leading up to the fight and for those brief moments during it, I let the war between my head and my heart take over. Looking back now I can't even justify my argument that my decisions were only about my life. I was selfish and my only justification for it then was because I had no idea what our future was going to be. I realize now how ridiculous everything I said was, and the fact that you're even giving me a chance to explain says so much about the man that you are."

She pauses again to be sure that he's following. When she's sure that he is she pushes on.

"When I sat down on that plane, everything that my head and my heart had been at war about ceased and for the first time since that fight, I knew there was only one thing that I wanted as a constant in my life. You."

"What do you—are you saying…" He knows what he wants to say but he can't seem to get the words to cooperate.

So, Kate helps him out.

"Right about the time that I made my first decision, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and I listened to your voicemail. It only confirmed what I'd already decided. I want you, Castle, more than any stupid reason that I pushed you away for, more than that job in D.C., more than anything."

She gives him a slightly watery smile and she can't help but hold her breath as she waits for him to respond.

"What do you mean by 'your first decision'?"

She smiles again because of all the things she just said, she knew that's one he would definitely pick up on.

"Well, when I finally got them to let me off the plane, I knew there was a second decision I had to make before I got in that cab and came here. Castle, I would never ask you to give up your life for me, and I don't want to force you into a long distance relationship. Things have been hard enough for us without adding that type of stress to it. I called the office in D.C., and I told them that I couldn't take the job. That's why I don't need another flight."

The reaction she's hoping to get from him doesn't come and she starts to wonder if maybe he's just decided that he's done. Surely after everything they've been through today, there's a chance for them to make it. There has to be.

Castle clears his throat and she takes a deep breath to prepare herself for whatever he's about to say. "So, let me see if I understood correctly. You got off the plane and gave up your job in D.C. without even knowing if things were going to work out between us?"

"I—yeah I did," she stutters. "I know it probably seems stupid…" She trails off when he shakes his head and moves so that he's standing right in front of her.

"If you would have told me that last night, I would have told you it was stupid. Honestly, this is the first time since we started this conversation that I feel like you've accepted and learned from the mistake you made. But what's changed that's going to keep you from doing exactly what you said you would if you didn't go for this job?"

"I have." She smiles when her answer surprises him. "I've changed, Castle. I know what I really want, and I'm fighting for it. I wrote to you about all the things I've had to let go of, about how I've spent so long since my mother was murdered trying to find my way. I've finally found it and I'm not letting go."

She reaches for his hand, linking their fingers together and bringing them to rest over her heart. "I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry for shutting you out, for pushing you away. Most of all I'm sorry for not having faith that you were committed to us, because you've never given me a reason to doubt your love for me. I want to spend the rest of my life letting you know me, all of me."

He pulls his hand away from hers and her heart starts to pound, because her apology doesn't guarantee that he can forgive her and forget what she did. But then he wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her flush against him, and she's trying but failing to fight back the tears as she wraps her arms around his neck. "I love you, Castle. I love you so much, I don't ever want to know what it's like to let go of you."

* * *

He swallows the rest of her words with the hard press of his mouth, his tongue traces her bottom lip, tasting the saltiness of her tears before tangling with hers as she opens up to him. She presses closer to him and he holds her tighter, re-memorizing everything about the hot, warm cavern of her mouth. She tastes like tears, and coffee, and apologies. He tastes like love, and coffee, and forgiveness.

He slows the kiss, softly separating his lips from hers before placing another chaste kiss to them and then pulling back to look at her. A few tears are still streaking down the pale skin of her cheeks and he lifts his thumb to gently wipe them away.

"I love you too, Kate. When I found you here yesterday I wasn't sure that this was going to end well. I was so hurt and angry at you for everything, even in spite of the letters. When I left here to try and catch you before your flight I didn't even know what I was going to say or what I expected to happen. I never stopped wanting you, but I just wasn't sure I could forgive you. You've surprised me, and when I was ready to stop pushing you, you stepped up in a way that I never thought you could. I do forgive you, Kate. And for the first time in three weeks, I think we have a chance at making it."

She rests her head against his chest, reveling in the feel of being in his arms because at several points during this conversation, she wasn't sure she ever would be again. She lets his forgiveness wash over her, lets it become a healing balm that coats and covers their wounds. Castle is more than she ever hoped for; he's the only person that's ever dared to push her when she tried to pull away. She's not sure she'll ever be deserving of his love, but she makes a silent promise to herself to cherish it for the rest of her life.

The weight of the last three weeks washes through them and Castle eases them towards the couch, pulling the soft weight of her body onto his lap, and this time they both know she's not going anywhere. Kate clings to him, the dark fabric of his shirt balled between each of her fists and he rubs soothing circles on her back until her grip eases. They hold on to each other, the silence of the room eventually lulling them both to sleep.

* * *

Castle wakes several hours later to a rumbling sound. He blinks a few times, listening for the sound again. When he hears it again he realizes it's coming from Kate's stomach. She's sleeping peacefully against him but her body seems to be begging for food. He lifts his hand to her cheek, softly rubbing his thumb over her eye.

"Kate, wake up," he whispers, not wanting to startle her in case she doesn't remember falling asleep on him.

She stirs, shifting against him slightly before her eyes flutter open and she looks up at Castle.

"Sorry for waking you. Your stomach was growling and I thought maybe I would make us something to eat."

Her cheeks flush a soft pink hue and he's not sure if it's from where she's been sleeping or she's slightly embarrassed. It's incredibly cute since he's heard her stomach growl probably a hundred times since they started dating.

She smiles and lifts her head so that she can plant a soft kiss to his lips. "Food sounds wonderful; I'm pretty hungry now that you mention it." She climbs off his lap and follows him into the kitchen, gladly accepting the glass of red wine he offers her. It's not the kind that makes her all, well for lack of a better phrase, 'horny', but the bottle of that particular wine is there for when they work their way back to it.

Castle pulls several kinds of lunch meat and cheeses out of the fridge along with all the condiments and creates them a masterpiece of a sandwich. He's pretty proud of himself when he cuts it in half and hands Kate hers and the sweet melody of her laughter fills the loft.

"I think this will hold us until dinner," he exclaims, grinning around a mouthful of sandwich.

"Castle, this could be our dinner. I've never had a sandwich this big before." She teases as she takes a bite of her own.

They finish the rest of their sandwiches at the bar. Castle throws their plates away while Kate pours them another glass of wine and they search through his collection of movies. Kate selects a John Woo movie, winking at Castle when he sees what she's picked. They both remember the night he'd invited her over to watch a John Woo marathon and instead they'd fought and she'd ended up at his door soaking wet hours later. They'd eventually had the marathon after making up for four years of what they'd been missing out on. It only seems right that they do the same now that they're going to be okay.

This time when they sit on the couch, there's no distance between them, Kate snuggles into Castle's side while he drapes his arm over her shoulders. She lets her head rest against his chest while they enjoy the movie. Silence seems to be a comfortable thing between them for the time being, neither pf them pushing the other to talk.

* * *

They're still cuddled together when the credits roll and Kate's about to ask if Castle wants her to start the next one, but when she glances up at him she stops short of asking her question. She knows that look. He's very loudly not asking her something that he really wants to. She pushes herself up off his chest and folds her knee up on the couch so that she can look at him.

"Castle, what's wrong?"

He acts as if he doesn't hear her for a minute but then he seems to snap back from whatever thoughts he was lost in. "Oh, um—nothing, it's nothing."

She bites her lip, her brows dipping down into a frown. "You do realize that I know you better than that, right? Come on, we just spent hours getting everything out in the open, talk to me."

"I was just thinking—where are you going to stay? Is your apartment still available?"

She shifts uncomfortably in her seat because while this is a conversation they need to have, she wasn't quite ready to bring it up yet. Yeah, Castle forgave her and they're working through things, but she's not sure they're ready for the topic that she knows will be brought up when she tells him about her apartment.

"Well, actually no it's not. I leased it to someone else when I took the job. There's no way to get it back now." She averts her eyes from his when she finishes because she knows what's already going through his mind.

"So, you're telling me that you have nowhere to live? When were you going to tell me?"

She meets his gaze then but instead of the anger she's expecting to see, there's only concern and maybe a hint of excitement. Wait, he's excited?

"I don't know—I just…When we first started talking this morning I wasn't sure that we were going to get to this point."

He reaches for her hand because anchoring each other when they're having conversations like this is something they do now. "Kate, this is kind of important don't you think? I know that things are still a little fragile with us and I'm still letting go of the hurt, but maybe this is our chance to prove what kind of future we want with each other."

"I know that you said you forgave me and we're working on things, but I don't want to put any added stress on this—on us." She shakes her head as she speaks because she knows where he's going with this and she's just not sure they're ready for it.

"Maybe pushing each other is what we need right now. We both want the same thing—we're on the same page, aren't we?"

"Yes," she whispers, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Then I think you already know what the answer is here. Move in with me, Kate."

* * *

_Would_ _love to hear your thoughts. xo_


	11. Starting Over

**A/N: Thank you again for reading, reviewing and continuing to support this story! Only three more chapters to go after this one! All mistake in this one are my own. I hope you enjoy it! **

**There's still plenty of time to be a part of #ThankYouTerri the link is in my profile! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim any ownership over Castle or the characters of the show.**

* * *

**Starting Over**

"_An unforgiving heart is an unforgiven heart."_

_-Tim Keller_

* * *

All confidence and strength that Kate has managed until now suddenly dissipates. The answer she thought she could give him catches in her throat causing only a soft gasp to come out in its place. Richard Castle just asked her to move in with him. She loves him—more than anything, but after everything they've just been through, is this something she's really ready for?

She shut him out of her decision to change her career and spent three weeks away from him wondering if things between them could be worked out. They've only just reunited and spent the entire day working through things. How did it go from forgiveness and moving forward to moving in together?

She has to give Castle even more credit because she's been silent for entirely too long now and he hasn't pushed her to give him an answer. He's still sitting quietly beside her, watching intently as she struggles inwardly with her answer.

Finally, Kate finds her voice and manages to string together a coherent sentence. "Cas—Rick, I really appreciate your offer, but do you really think we're ready for this step? Moving in together is a big deal—I mean we just spent three weeks away from each other without any contact other than my letters."

He doesn't respond right away, taking a few moments to consider everything she's just said. "I know it's a big deal, but I wouldn't be offering if I didn't think it was something we could handle. You can't sit here and tell me that the past three weeks weren't miserable for you because your letters practically screamed it. I want you in my life, Kate, and I don't want to spend any more time letting you wonder if I want a future with you or not. This is me proving to you that I do."

She wages an inner battle with herself, because of course she wants a future with him and living together is a step towards that future, but what if it doesn't work out? What if he's only asking her now because he knows that she temporarily has no place else to live? What if he regrets his decision when he remembers how easy it was for her to shut him out of her life three weeks ago? Then again, moving in together might be the best thing for them, but until she's positive that they've discussed everything they need to, she can't give him an answer.

"I think that we need to be sure we've overcome all of this before we make a decision like this, Castle."

She holds up the hand that's not currently linked with his when he starts to say something. "I know that you said you forgive me, but I don't know if that's enough, yet. I feel like I still need to prove to you that I'm not going to make the same mistake again. Forgiving is actually the easy part, forgetting what I did is going to be harder for you."

This time he remains quiet and she knows that he's wishing things were different because she does too. His gaze has shifted to the floor so she scoots closer to him until her knee bumps his thigh. "Castle, look at me." She waits until he does to continue. "I'm not saying no, okay? When I got off the plane yesterday I called and had my stuff sent to my dad's. It's not going anywhere and neither am I. All I'm saying is let's take the rest of today, and maybe a few more and continue to heal and then maybe you can ask me again?"

"Alright." And although that's all he says, they settle back into a comfortable silence. Kate selects the next movie and curls back into his side, reaching for his hand and wrapping it around her. They drift off to sleep like that, neither waking until it's late into the evening and the credits are rolling on the television screen.

* * *

Kate is the first to drift awake, although her movement causes Castle's eyes to flutter open as well. She yawns as she stretches and tilts her head up to smile at him. "Guess we're both a little sleep deprived, huh?"

He smiles back at her and nods. "Truthfully, I'd forgotten what it felt like to sleep all night and wake up feeling rested. It just wasn't the same without you, Kate, and it wasn't just because my bed was empty, my entire life was empty."

She pats his leg as she pushes her body upright, flexing the arm that's been against his body because it's slightly stiff from being in the same position for so long. "The feeling is mutual."

He kisses her then, leaning into her so that her back presses into the soft cushions of the couch and she welcomes the feeling of him. He pulls away far too soon for her liking but she knows they aren't quite 'there' yet. Castle checks his watch as he stands from the couch and stretches his stiff body. "It's late, but if you're hungry I could whip us up something to eat?" He asks.

"Hmm, I'm not starving, that sandwich you made us earlier was huge, but I could eat something light." She stands too, circling her arms around his waist before he can step away from her. She kisses him lightly on the lips, just a short—too short, press of her lips and then she lets him go.

"I need to make a phone call. I'll just get it over with while you're making us something to eat."

She sees the questioning lift of his eyebrow as she turns towards the bedroom, but he doesn't ask and she's momentarily thankful. She locates her phone on the bedside table and quietly shuts the door to the bedroom so she can make the call. She can hear Castle shuffling around in the kitchen and although she plans to talk to him about this, she's glad that he's not pressing her about who she's calling.

She pulls up the number she needs and hits the call button, pressing the phone to her ear as she paces across the floor. She purposely waited until late to call because as much as she needs to do this, she's also dreading it. The call goes to voicemail after a few rings and she whispers a silent thank you as the voice of Captain Gates comes on the line and instructs her to leave a message.

She hesitates for only a second after the beep and then her confidence kicks in. "Sir, this is Kate Beckett. I know that I've already worked out my two week notice and am no longer employed with the NYPD, but something's come up and the job in D.C. is no longer going to work out. If you could, please call me back as I was hoping my position may still be available. I'm still in the city and can come in to the precinct at any time if needed. Thank you."

She swipes the end call button and places her phone back on the nightstand. Two days ago she had no idea she was going to be where she is right now, but she does know that she has to work. Her job has been so much a part of her that she doesn't think she could ever be a stay at home wife or mom. She knows that calling to ask for her job back only a week after she left is probably going to seem crazy, but she's not going to D.C., and if she's staying in the city she wants her old job back.

* * *

She takes a deep breath and opens the door to the bedroom so that she can re-join Castle in the kitchen before he comes looking for her. He smiles warmly when she comes in the room but she can see the curiosity written all over his face. She returns his smile with one of her own and peeks over the bar to see what he's prepared for them. He doesn't ask about the call and she makes a mental note to thank him later.

"I thought we could have a salad since you said you wanted something light."

She comes around the bar to kiss his cheek as she takes her bowl from him and reaches for one of the many bottles of dressing he has sitting on the counter. Italian is her favorite but he knows that sometimes she likes to mix it up. "This is perfect. Thank you, Castle." She selects the Italian and he smiles knowingly as he reaches for the ranch.

They eat side by side at the bar while making small talk about random things. When they're finished he loads the dishwasher while she puts way all of the salad fixings. He flips off the lights and this time when they make their way to the bedroom it's far more promising than the previous night. Castle takes a quick shower while Kate finds some pajamas in her drawer to put on. When he's finished she does the same and then they brush their teeth side by side.

She slips into bed beside him after pulling her wet hair into a bun that rests on top of her head. Castle loves all of her looks, but relaxed, ready for bed Kate is one of his favorites. They don't make love or even make-out, but Castle pulls Kate close and they fall asleep in the warmth of each other's embrace.

* * *

Castle drifts awake to soft rays of sunshine across his face, but when he reaches for the warm body that should be beside him he encounters only cool sheets. He rubs his eyes as he sits up, reaching for his watch to check the time. It's only nine a.m., but the coolness of the sheets tells him Kate's been up for a while. She's always been an early riser, even on her days off.

He pads into the kitchen as he tightens the tie of his robe and finds her standing at the window in his living room. She doesn't acknowledge him until he's almost right beside her, though he knows her detective senses alerted her to his movement as soon as he opened the bedroom door. She hums when he wraps his arms around her from behind but the fact that she says nothing else tells him something is wrong. That's when he hears the soft sniff of her nose, the one she always tries to hide from him after she's been crying.

He wants to turn her around so that he can see her face, but sometimes she's more open when he holds her like this. He holds her a little tighter, and his lips ghost across her cheek where the dampness of her tears still lingers. He waits her out, letting her gather her thoughts because he knows she'll talk to him when she's ready.

"I called Gates last night to see if my job was still available. She called me back earlier this morning." Her voice is steady but he can feel the slight tremble of her body as more tears threaten to fall.

"I take it you didn't get the answer you were hoping for?" His question is a soft whisper across her cheek.

"They've already filled my position and the budget cuts won't allow them to hire anyone else right now. I guess—I just thought there was no way they could have filled it that fast."

She turns in his arms then and lets him pull her against his chest. When she speaks again her voice is so soft he almost misses it. "I don't know what to do."

He kisses the top of her head as he holds her against him. "You don't have to figure it out right away. I know that your job is important to you and I know you aren't used to not having one, but you don't have to rush out and find another one, Kate."

She huffs against his neck and then leans back to look at his face. "Yes I do. I've had a job since I was in high school. I don't have enough savings to just sit around and not work."

"You don't have to use your savings; I have more than enough money to take care of both of us." The words are out of his mouth before he can think better of them and suddenly she's pushing out of his arms and pacing a few steps away from him.

"No. No, Castle. I didn't give up my D.C. job just so I could come back here and live off of you. That's never going to happen."

He takes a step towards her because this is quickly turning into something he never meant for it to. She doesn't retreat like she normally would and he has to give her credit because she's definitely making more of an effort when it comes to 'them'.

"Kate, I know that you didn't come back here for that. I know that you want to work. All I'm saying is you don't have to immediately secure a job, okay. Stay here; think about what else you might want to do if being a cop isn't an option right now. Take some time for yourself. It's okay to do that, you know?"

He can see her shoulders deflate as he asks his question so he takes a chance and reaches for her again. She comes willingly back into his arms and he holds her for several minutes.

She pulls out of his arms again but this time she doesn't go very far and he can see the revelation on her face before she even speaks. "Castle, won't me staying here while I figure out what I'm going to do be pretty much the same as me living here? I mean the only difference is it doesn't have a permanent label."

He pretends to ponder her question as if he hadn't even thought about that until she said something. "Hmm, I guess they are kind of the same thing."

She smirks as she wraps her arms back around him. "You're really serious about this aren't you?"

"Of course I'm serious. Kate, we've already been through this, I want you in my life and I want to wake up next to you every morning. Moving in with me doesn't mean you lose your independence, it just means that you have someone to fall asleep with and wake up next to every morning. It means that you have someone to listen when you need to talk and hold you when you need to be comforted."

By the time he finishes his little speech she's grinning ear to ear. "Well when you put it that way it does sound pretty amazing. I still think it might be too soon, but if we're trying to move forward maybe that's the step we need to take?"

He leans in to kiss her, letting the movement of his lips over hers be his answer. When he's sure she understands his feelings he pulls away from her, but rests his forehead against hers.

"When you kiss me like that I feel like moving forward isn't really the correct term to use," she breathes against his lips.

"So maybe we don't call it moving forward, maybe we call it starting over?" His statement holds so much hope and promise and she loves him more than she ever has.

She smiles as she rests her head on his chest, directly over his heart. "Yeah, that's perfect. We're starting over."

He manages to stay quiet for several minutes, holding her close to him after the beautiful revelation they just had. But she didn't really answer his question and he needs to hear her say it for sure so he eases her away from his chest until he can look directly at her.

"So, does this mean I can ask you again?"

She laughs and shakes her head at him. "Yes, Castle. Ask me again."

He reaches for her hand and holds it against his chest. "Kate, will you move in with me?"

She smiles and pretends to think about it before she answers. "Yes, I'll move in with you."

He can't help it then as he gathers her in his arms again and spins her around, because after three weeks of wondering if he'd ever see her again, he's enjoying every moment of having her back in his arms.

* * *

They spend the day wrapped up in each other. She helps him clear out more space for her clothes in his closet and he helps her unpack the suitcase that she brought back with her. They make arrangements to get the stuff she needs from her dad's house and for the rest to be put into storage for now. They talk, about anything that comes to mind and the openness is both refreshing and healing. But more than anything, they love. It's in the words that they speak, the looks they give each other and the soft touches throughout the day. They're starting over, starting fresh and they're putting in the work. The chances of making it go from slim to certain and they hold on to that—to each other.

She falls asleep in his arms again that night and although they still don't make love, it's one of her favorite nights in his bed since they got together. There's a peacefulness that washes over them, a promise of a future worth everything they've fought to overcome. And she knows that when she wakes up beside him, the fight to get him back is over and all that remains is the present. She gets to be with him—live with him and together they get to make a future. She's been searching for her North Star for longer than she can remember, for a place where she belongs. That place is no longer a mystery to her; she's found the place where she belongs, in the arms of the man who loves her.

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	12. My Heart

**A/N: I originally planned to write two more chapters. One was going to be a continuation of this and the last an M rated scene of Caskett. Due to the fact that my computer had to be sent to the shop, I ran out of time to get them written before the Winter Ficathon starts. I've decided to end the story with the next chapter, but there will be an M-rated scene insert posted as a one-shot in the near future. Keep an eye out for it. Thank you so much for all of the support and love for this story. It holds a special place in my heart! The final chapter will pick up where this one leaves off and will be posted tomorrow. All mistakes are my own. **

**If you've been keeping up with the ThankYouTerri Campaign, you've probably seen all of the amazing prompts that have been flooding in on our tumblr page. In thanks for the generous donations myself and the amazing ThankYouTerri team have been filling these prompts. You can check out my fill titled "Yours, Mine, and Ours" and the rest of the fills on the ThankYouTerri Tumblr page. The people involved with this Campaign are all lovely and I'm so honored to be a part of it. **

**Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over Castle.**

* * *

**My Heart**

"_It is well known that reading quickens the growth of a heart like nothing else."_

_-Catherynne M. Valente_

* * *

A soft breeze floats through the sunlit bedroom, whispers across her cheek like the breath of a lover. She hums and stretches out her body before allowing her eyes to flutter open. It's been a week since she officially moved into the loft and started over with Castle. One week since he forgave her and they started over. She's never been happier than she is right now.

They fell asleep with the window still open last night, the cool evening breeze a welcome contrast against their over-heated skin. It was the first time they'd fallen into bed together and made love since she got off the plane. Almost four weeks without the feeling of his skin pressed against hers and she had sobbed her relief when he finally covered her body with his own.

The memory of it makes her smile, but it also stirs a welcome feeling in her stomach. She wants him again. Her hand drifts across the sheets in search of her lover, but instead of warmth she only finds coolness. Hmm, where is he? She rolls over to find that Castle is indeed missing from his side of the bed, but the object lying on his pillow, in the place where his head should be, catches her eye. The white envelope stands out against the deep blue satin sheets.

She reaches for it, adjusting her body so that she's leaning against the headboard. Her name is written elegantly across the front and she shivers with anticipation. Castle's handwriting is beautiful, and she'd recognize it anywhere. She welcomes the goose bumps that spread across her skin, proof of her desire to read his words, even after all this time of knowing him. His words have always meant more to her, and he knows that now.

She carefully breaks the seal and slides the folded paper—well, actually papers, out of the envelope. She can't help but wonder when he had time to write this, they've spent almost every moment together since she showed up at the loft almost a week ago. She unfolds the letter and instantly loses herself in his words.

* * *

_Kate, _

_I'm sure right now you're wondering when I found the time to write this to you. Making love to you last night was magical. Don't roll your eyes, I sincerely mean that. After our fight, I wondered if we'd ever be doing that again. I'm glad we are. I laid beside you for a long while after you'd drifted off to sleep and I don't think I've told you enough how truly beautiful you are. _

_I started thinking about all of the beautiful pieces of your heart you shared with me in your letters and I realized that there was still something I needed to do for you. I need to share my heart with you. The words began to form and as much as I hated to leave the warmth of your body pressed against mine, I slipped into my office to write this. I want to address each of your letters and then there's something else I need to share with you. I hope you're ready for this journey. _

_I thought I knew everything about your mother's murder, but your first letter showed me a side of you that I've never seen. It showed me your weakness. Let me explain. You're without a doubt the strongest person I know, Kate. You don't let anyone see your weaknesses, but part of being in a committed relationship is allowing the other person to see all of you. You don't like to let go of things you love. I love you even more for allowing me to see that part of you. And I need you to know that I don't plan on ever letting go of you. _

_Your second letter was more difficult to read. I knew that you saved your dad from the bottle, but we've never discussed that in depth. I never wanted to push you to open up about that topic and after reading about it I'm glad that I never did. I'm sorry that you had to go through that alone. Alcohol solves nothing; it's not a permanent solvent for pain. Or maybe that's just for me because nothing I've ever tried could wash your memory away. You will always be enough for me, Kate. _

_Your words in your third letter were correct. I never doubted that your love for Royce was real. I understand now though, that it was on a different level. He helped you in ways that only he could have and I will always be grateful for that. I want to say that he was crazy not to love you back, but I think somewhere deep down there was no way that he didn't love you. We grew closer while we were in L.A. and I'll always be glad that I didn't let you go alone. I don't need to read his letter to you because you did exactly what he told you to do. You risked your heart, Kate, and I promise to make that risk worthwhile. _

_When I read your fourth letter I admit that I was struggling with forgiving you. Roy Montgomery will always be a hero in my eyes because he saved you. He did something that I tried and failed to do. Saving you will always be my priority, Kate, no matter what. After finishing that particular letter I sat for a long while wondering if things between us were repairable. As much as I still loved you, I just wasn't sure we could get passed this. Truthfully, I never wanted to say goodbye to you. I'm glad that I didn't have to. _

_I read your fifth letter after filling in for Brian at The Old Haunt. He came down with the flu and I had no one else to fill in on such short notice. It was the last place I wanted to be and I carried your letter around in my pocket the entire night. When the last customer finally left, I closed the bar down and went to my office to read your letter. I admit that I was anything but sober by the time I finished it. Reading about you losing yourself was harder than I ever imagined. I still can't believe that I had any part of helping you find your joy again. It's an honor and not one that I take lightly. All I ever wanted was to be a part of your life, I'm so thankful that I got that and more. I did call you that night, but I ended the call just as fast. Hearing your voice would have been my breaking point and a late night, drunken phone conversation was the last thing that you and I needed. I slept on the couch in my office that night in hopes that nothing there would remind me of you, but you're so much a part of me, Kate. There's nothing that would make me forget you. I never want you to have to let go of yourself._

_I read your last letter a little too late. I wasn't prepared for the emotional blow it was going to deal me when I finally read it. I never expected you to turn down the D.C. job; I just wanted to be a part of your decisions. I knew by the time I got to the end that you were serious about fighting for us and putting in the work to make it through. I'll never be able to describe how I felt when I opened your apartment door and found it empty. It was a small glimpse of what my life would be like without you and I knew then that I didn't want that. On my way to the airport I kept replaying what I was going to say to you, but I honestly had no idea how it was going to go if I caught you. I wanted things to work, but I was still hurting. _

_Finding you here when I got home after thinking that I had lost my chance blew me away. I know that I was initially cold and closed off, but I needed to know you were for sure about what you wanted. It took a lot of openness and hard conversations but we did it—we made it. You proved to me that you were willing to fight for what you wanted. I've never seen you be that open before and that was all the proof that I needed. Last night proved that to me even more. _

_This brings me to now. I need to apologize for keeping you at arm's length in certain parts of my life. I've always done that when it came to personal things that I wanted to keep hidden. I've been angry at you many times for shutting me out, but I wasn't being fair by doing the same thing to you. My first two marriages were nothing like our relationship. I loved Meredith and Gina but never in the same way that I love you. You treat me like an equal, like a partner and that's what I always wanted. I promise to let you in, to be honest with you and to give you all the parts of my heart as well. It's no secret to anyone that my hearts been yours since right after I met you. Anything you want to know, I will answer honestly and sincerely when you ask, always._

_By now you're probably wondering where I am. I hope that I've cleared any doubts that you may have still had about whether or not I'm in this for the long run. I'd like to clear that up even more now, so that you have absolutely no doubt about what I want. _

_I love you, Katherine Beckett. I love you more today than yesterday and I will love you more tomorrow than today. You're the other half to my heart and my soul mate. You've been searching for a long time for your place—your North Star. If you slip on your robe and meet me up on the roof, I'm hoping you'll be able to say you finally found it._

_Don't keep me waiting too long. _

_I love you, always. _

_-Castle_

* * *

Her heart pounds erratically in her chest as she slips from the bed and wraps her robe around her body. Tears threaten to slide down her cheeks and she takes a deep breath to will them away. No one has ever made her as emotional as Richard Castle does and she finds that she's completely okay with that. She has an idea of what's about to happen, but the closer she gets to the roof the more nervous she gets. By the time she reaches the top of the stairs her legs are trembling and she's gripping the railing tightly to keep herself upright.

When she sees Castle her heart skips a beat and her hand clasps over her mouth. A traitorous tear slides down her cheek now and she lets it, because the emotions of what's happening are too much. He's put so much thought into this—into making this perfect for her and she wants to tell him that all she ever needed to make it perfect was him. She can't help but wonder how long he's been waiting there, kneeling like he is, and she loves him even more for it. She's imagined this moment her entire life and yet, seeing Castle on one knee, deliciously illuminated by sunlight and the breathtaking view of New York literally takes her breath away. Before he even starts speaking or reaches for her hand, her heart is already chanting; _yes, yes, yes_.

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! Xo_


	13. My Compass

**A/N: Marking this story as complete is bittersweet. I get so attached to my stories that it's hard to end them. I have loved writing this and sharing my heart with you all. Thank you so much for the amazing response and support. I heart each and every one of you. Please keep an eye out for a one-shot scene insert of the M-rated moments. Also be on the lookout for my Ficathon story in a few days! Happy Castle Monday and happy Holidays. **

**So many of you have left sweet reviews for the last few chapters and I promise to respond to you all soon! Your words make me smile! :)**

**Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over Castle or any of the characters created for the show. You may recognize a few borrowed words of dialogue, I claim no ownership over it either.**

* * *

**My Compass**

"_Love is like a North Star; in a changing world it's always constant."_

_-Gordon B. Hinckley_

* * *

She doesn't keep him waiting long. Her trembling legs manage to hold her up as she comes to stand right in front of Castle. The deep blue seas of his eyes shine with emotion and love and she knows that he's been planning this far longer than just last night. She fights back her own emotions, determined not to turn into a blubbering mess until she's at least let him ask her properly.

Castle reaches for her left hand, cradling it between his own and smiles up at her. "So, you found my letter?" he asks.

She can only nod at him because she doesn't trust the steadiness of her voice right now.

"I meant every word I said, Kate. All of it. You have proven so much to me this week and I wanted to return that feeling of reassurance to you. I never meant for you to have any doubt about the future I want with you. There is no one else but you, Kate. From the moment I met you I knew that I'd never want anyone else more than you."

He softly squeezes her hand before continuing. "For the past five years I've watched you evolve from a closed off, miserable person to the amazing woman that's standing in front of me. I've watched the light return to your eyes, the joy return to your heart. You let me inside in ways that I always dreamed of, but never thought you would. The depths of your heart still amaze me."

She lifts the hand he's not holding to brush another stream of tears from her cheek and she manages to breath the word "you" in a way that she knows he will understand. He's the reason for all of those things. He is the light in her eyes and the joy in her heart.

"We've talked about all of the ways that I changed you, but you changed me too, Kate. I was immature and reckless before I met you and I never realized how miserable I really was. You showed me all of the ways that I could be better and you brought out the best qualities in me. That's just one of the many reasons that I know you're my soul mate."

And now she really is crying because of all the things they've been through and how far they've come. They changed each other in so many beautiful ways and they're about to get engaged and she's sorry that she ever doubted that they would make it this far.

His smile conveys more thankfulness then he could ever express to her. "I love you, Kate, and I want to continue solving the mystery of you for the rest of my life. I promise to always be open and honest with you and to fight for us even when things get hard, because anything worth having is worth fighting for. I want you in my life—always, because a life without you would be no life at all."

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a small black box and even though she knows what's inside, her heart nearly stops when he opens it to reveal the beautiful diamond ring. The sunlight filters through it brilliantly and she only shifts her gaze back to Castle when he clears his throat.

"You don't have to search anymore for your place in this world. It's right here, with me. I'll be your North Star, your guiding light, always. This is where you belong. So, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"

She drops to her knees before those final words leave his mouth and when he finishes asking her she's smothering her lips over his like it's the first time she's kissed him. She wraps her arms around his neck, tugging him close to her as she breaks the seal of their lips. She's breathless and emotional, but she realizes that his silence means he's waiting for a proper answer from her.

She lifts her head and meets his eyes, letting him see the way he affects her. "Yes, Castle. There was never any other answer but yes. You are my North Star and there's no other place on earth that I'll ever belong more than right here—with you. Yes, I'll marry you."

He kisses her hard then, the insistent press of his lips almost bruising against her own and she welcomes it. She clings to him, letting the press of his body remind her that this is real, they made it.

He only stops kissing her long enough to slide the ring onto her finger and then he's laying back on the blanket that he was kneeling on and pulling her willing body down with him. She settles her legs on either side of his waist and then her lips reclaim his in a fierce, passionate battle.

* * *

They make love on the roof of the loft, the soft rays of sunlight painting their skin with warmth. The rest of the world disappears, leaving only a beautifully, sated lover and her North Star. And for the entire day nothing else matters—nothing but them.

Of all the times Kate Beckett ever used a compass while camping in the woods with her dad or navigating through the city she never stopped to think about the internal compass that everyone possesses. An internal device that points us all towards our destiny and our North Star and we need only to follow our hearts to end up where we belong. Each compass has a magnet, a strong pull that points the arrow in the right direction, and eventually when the time is right, and you really listen your magnet connects with its mate and all directions align in the middle. It's a journey we all end up on whether we want to or not, the journey to finding North.

* * *

"_Then love knew it was called love, and when I lifted my eyes to your name,_

_Suddenly your heart showed me my way."_

_-Pablo Neruda_

* * *

**_Thank you to all who took this journey with me. _**

**_Thank you to Bri, for her constant support and friendship._**

**_Thank you to all of the ThankYouTerri team, for being amazing and forming friendships that I will cherish, always._**

**_As always I would love to hear your thoughts. Xoxo_**


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